our |perfect| storm

It's incredible how we can harbor so much love for such a small person. The kind of love that literally oozes from every pore. No one can prepare you for the ridiculous amount of love you will feel for your children. A love unlike any other. Becoming a mother has been the absolute biggest blessing of my entire life. I have always dreamed of the day I would welcome my own kids into this unpredictable world. There is no accomplishment greater for me, than my son. He is my world. Life has surely changed the last two months and although there are occasional sleepless nights and endless crying. I wouldn't change one single second. The moments seem to quickly slip away and time goes by too fast. One of my biggest regrets after Troys accident was not having enough pictures and videos that I could watch during those long days. I'm finding myself capturing as many moments as I can of our sweet boy. Each stage of life brings its excitement and challenges. I want to embrace them all a

I've been a bit behind in updating. To my defense, life got a whole lot busier after multiple hospital stays  and then finally welcoming our son, Brody Lee into the world. Between nap time, feedings, diaper changings I found a blog wasn't high on my to do list.  We will start with the more important topic; Brody!  He was born on November 5 at 12:06 pm weighing in at 8lbs on the dot and 21 inches long. He is absolutely perfect. We couldn't imagine life without him. We are head over heals in love!  After struggling with high blood pressure for a few weeks I started having symptoms of pre eclampsia and was induced on Tuesday, November 3. I had just been at the doctors office for my weekly non stress test and was told to go in for blood work. This happened to be a weekly occurrence and I was getting pretty sick of the overnight hospital stay to be monitored so I was happy when I thought I had talked them into just getting blood work done and heading home. Well, when I got home

After having a not-so-good check up with Vandenberg this past August we were determined to make this one better. A few changes had been made to try and get a better idea of how Troy is doing at work. Each week the Journeyman he is selected to work with writes a review on how he did that week. They have to write a brief description of what work Troy did, what they thought he did well and something he could improve on. Over the last few months, I've noticed a huge increase in his confidence in and out of work. Which, is a step towards troys normal self.  Going into this appointment Troy was a little hesitant on getting excited. Understandably so. I quickly reminded him that worrying doesn't help anything. We go with the flow, that's how life is for us now. We know things don't always go our way but we have a choice on how we handle it.  Dr Vandenberg was thrilled with the updates. He likes to hear the story from both me and Troy. The story tends to be a little different b

Roles have reversed here at the Bosch house. I all of the sudden became patient and Troy my care giver. Scary, I know. I'm not handling it well. I have this idea that it's just easier if I do things because they will get done the way I want them too.  Last Tuesday after work I landed myself back in Holland Hospital but this time as a patient. At my last appointment my BP was elevated and they told me to keep and eye on it. Throughout the weekend I had checked it three times a day; morning, noon and night. After a few days I had noticed a trend up. Of course it was after hours so I called in just to ask. Little did I know she would have me come in for testing, let alone not let me leave for the whole night either! I was a little upset which probably didn't help the BP issue. They kept saying, "your BP is scary and girl, your swollen!". All of that was true but I was convinced I could fix it by a good night sleep :) after IV fluids, meds, blood work and fetal monito

This last weekend we were able to celebrate Troy and his huge accomplishments he has made this year. What a blessing it is to be a year out from his accident and to have him be in such a great place in his recovery. To be able to celebrate his life is something I appreciate so much more than I ever thought I would. He, as well as myself, have grown so much this past year and we can't help but to be grateful for all the love and support we have had going through the most difficult time of our lives. It has been quite the journey.  I'm so grateful for Troy's life and for his story of Gods faithfulness that he can share with others.  As some of you might know, I'm a big fan of celebrating things. Birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments, etc. I like to consider, as most of you might agree, Troy's recovery a huge accomplishment. I'm not sure anyone truly understands the hard work and dedication it takes for someone to recover from a head injury (unless of course,

I'm going to be honest, I have gotten really bad at doing my devotions. There is no excuse for it and I'm pretty disappointed in myself. So, tonight I whipped out my handy dandy Jesus Calling devotional which has gotten me through the most difficult times in my life and started reading.  "When the path before you looks easy and straightforward, you may be tempted to go at alone instead of relying on Me. This is when you are in the greatest danger of stumbling. Ask my spirit to help you as you go each step of the way. Never neglect this glorious Source of strength within you."  We have fallen back into the chaos of life. Living day by day in the business this world brings. With doctors appointments, work schedules, preparing for a new baby. Everything seemed to trump my daily devotion. I'm all about living a boring life away from the drama of trauma. But, I know that trauma can come upon us so unexpectedly and leave us in a place of complete confusion emotionally,

I'm ready for some cooler weather; weather that requires coats (that won't zip) and boots. My favorite! I've had my fall decorations up for a while, my impatience seems to get the best of me every year.  We missed our annual apple picking last year so we made up for it this year and got a bunch! Troy requested only honey crisp this time around, I won't fight him on that. Honey crisp is our favorite and we have already made a few batches of grandmas apple crisp! Yum! That stuff sure doesn't last long around here :)  Troy put in his first ten hour day this past week. It seemed to go well, like most people, he was pretty tired when he got home. He popped a squat on the couch and that's where he stayed for the majority of the night. Heck, I'm not sure I would get up either after a 10 hour day and I have a perfectly healthy brain :)  I have been picking up lots of shifts at work and funny thing, I started swelling like it was no ones business. I think my body is

As we creep closer to November we are busy filling out pages and pages of paper work to get medical history's from Spectrum to Mercy Health. As Troy handed me the thick packet he said; "it shouldn't be to hard, my medical history isn't much." Seriously?  It wasn't worth the argument, I figured, once I get everything together I'll show him he has quite an extensive medical history since last October. After everything I ended up getting 5 separate discs with a total of 27 MRI's, CT's and x-Rays he has had since October 11. On top of that pages of lab work, EEG results and so much more. Troy kept pulling it out of the envelope and going, "wow, there's a lot here!" No kidding! When we got home he tried reading the description/ findings on each scan done. It was pretty hysterical, every other word he would stop and try and sound it out. There are a lot of big medical words in there. He asked if I could read them to him and explain; not 6 p

I'm a list person. I like to see what I have accomplished and I have a weird need to write everything down; old school pen and paper. If my handwriting isn't up to my standards I will rewrite the entire thing no matter how long.  Last night I decided I needed a list for the week. It's my long stretch off from work and I always feel the need to get as much accomplished as I possibly can. I must admit somedays I end up just laying on couch binge watching my latest Netflix addiction. On my list for today was to set up the Neuro Opthmologist appointment for Troy. As it goes, the wait to get in isn't until Novemeber. November still seems like a year away but I know that we're only a couple months out. Troy and his impatience will just need to figure it out. I'm quite surprised he isn't used to it by now. It happens every single time we meet with Vandenberg. Oh well, what's another few months! He has been dealing with these eye issues since the accident.  Nove

This week has been a very good week!  Troy's boss was able to talk with Dr Vandenberg which was very nice. For the doctor and for us. It's so much better getting updates right from the horses mouth rather than through the chain.  Anyways... A few things were cleared up and we got what Troy has been long awaiting, answers!! Praise Jesus!  He is now cleared to work (up to) 10 hours a day. Before the accident that was about normal, if not more. He loves his job and soaks in as much time as he can, working. He also does NOT need to take his Journeymans test over again! I'm telling you, this was the best news I've heard in a very long time. I had been pretty worked up about the possibility of Troy having to do that again.  I considered learning electrical code so that I could be somewhat of a help for him while studying. Whew, got out of that one! Not my forte!  We still wait until November for our next appointment which always seems like forever and eternity away but it com

Since the last post we got a few things figured out. Thank the Lord! My heart hurt so bad for him after the last appointment. I just want everything and more for him and I know thats totally out of my control.  He has switched to a job where he is working with things that are over learned before the accident. I want him to be comfortable at work and feel like he CAN do it because I know as well as many others know, he can. He is so hard on himself and that's hard to see. He has been on that new job since Monday and it has been going great! I love having him coming home whistling and smiling. The whistling is still few and far between. When he was in his accident he did a number to his bottom lip and there is still a huge scar that makes it hard for him to whistle. I remember sitting next to his bed in ICU just praying that someday I would hear him whistle again. It's the little things before that are huge things now.  I was told early on that one of the first things you forget

Today marks three crazy, intense years for Troy and I. I'd like to say they have been enjoyable and at times they have been but we have been through a lifetime worth of crap. In some odd way, I wouldn't change it because I wouldn't want to spend this life with anyone but him. I am so proud to be his wife and so happy he choose me to spend life with and build a family with.  Troy has been talking about this day for forever; mostly because we both had appointments and he had the day off of work to hang out. Unfortunately, it didn't go quite as he had planned. Our first appointment was at Mary Free Bed with a check up from Dr Vandenberg. We came with our usual list of questions and updates from work. Troys expectations going in were that he would get cleared to do more and up his hours. All he wants is to be a little more independent. Well, to make a long story short; none of that happened. We're at a stand still. The notes from work aren't giving Dr Vandenebeg the

There are many days I find myself reminiscing about how things used to be. Usually it's about my state of mind. I've always been a bit paranoid but now a days it's completely consuming my every thought. I can take any situation and make it into the worst possible scenario possible. It's exhausting, it's annoying and honestly it's quite stupid. I want so badly to make all that cloudy thinking go away so I can enjoy life and whatever time we have left. Instead I feel myself guilted into things because something terrible might happen tomorrow and I'll regret if I didn't do this or that. It's true, trauma changes you. Sometimes for the better, other times it can make life a little more complicated.  I'm slowly learning this new normal and at times I want to pull my hair out. It's so unbelievably frustrating when Troy lies, gets upset over the littlest things or makes me feel worse than dirt. But that's life now. A brain injury isn't like

Sorry for the lack of updating recently!  Troy has been working eight hours a day the last couple weeks. Dr Vandenberg had put Troy on a low does of Ritalin; 10 mg twice a day. After a few weeks we didn't notice a huge difference. Troy had some pretty unrealistic goals going into it but with being an onlooker, it didn't seem to be doing a whole lot for him. It seemed to make his twitching flare up again. At times he was unable to hardly stand up because everything was twitching so bad. He has been pushing his limits (shocking right?!) so I often corresponded the twitching with too much activity for a day. When I called for his refill I threw out the idea of maybe bumping up his Ritalin to 20 mg in the morning. With our luck and MFB I thought there was no way we would get an answer so quickly. They called back an hour later and said; "we're going to try 20 mg twice a day". This is his third day with it and the twitching seems better already. He made it a whole day

The day finally came that we got to meet with Dr Vandenberg again. I was a good mix of excited and totally annoyed. Troy has this thing where he thinks I'm out to ruin his life because I tell the doctors the truth... Yeah, its been a lot of fun dealing with him the last couple weeks. In fact, on our ride to the appointment he told me he didn't want me there. That made me feel just dandy. I had asked him to collect some papers from work that had weekly updates from the people he has been working with. When he got home he said, "I read them and I'm not taking them in." I asked if he thought that was being honest and he just stared at me. Obviously he knows better but he doesn't want anything in his way no matter what that means for his healing. That is by far the most frustrating part of all of this for me. I don't feel like he cares; I get he just wants to be normal but at some point he has to figure it out and get used to it because there is literally

For the past few weeks my anxiety has gone through the roof. Flash backs that are so vivid it's like I'm reliving the whole thing again. Honestly, I'm a little ashamed that I'm still dealing with this. It's been since October, I should be getting better.  I don't like talking about it. I feel like a ticking time bomb when discussing it. I lose all sense of reality. I hate not being able to control my emotions. Every morning the last few weeks when Troy gets up for work I lay in bed and just replay the whole night in my head. I get myself so worked up that I fully convince myself Troy is going to be dead by the end of the day. I have to do everything in my power to not tell Troy he can't go to work. I hear the door shut and all I want to do is run after him and tell him not to leave.  These stupid flash backs occur at almost anytime of the day. Morning, afternoon or nighttime. I will have nightmares of other family members dying. I wake up and feel like my he

Another weekend down. Time seems to fly lately which I am not complaining about for a multitude of reasons. Troys back to work for another week; still at one day of eight hours and the rest at 6 hours. (Don't ask him about this unless you would like an ear full 😉) The plan is, for now, keep him on this schedule until our next appointment which obviously Troy is not real thrilled about but it is what it is. After spending four weeks trying to get ahold of the offices at Mary Free Bed, I'll gladly leave that alone for a while! Next appointment is coming up soon and I'm really curious as to what will all be decided.  We have another appointment this week and it's to check up on baby! Having Troy work shorter days now is kind of coming in handy seeing how he wants to be at every appointment. He's the sweetest. We're hoping we get a good picture so the doctor can see what the gender is. They told us this was a possibility at the last appointment and now I have my he

I've become a professional "keep it all in". I feel like I have to, especially for Troy. He often feels like I don't care and I want to baby him all the time which isn't totally far from the truth but the reality of it is I would trade my own life for him to have his normal back. It truly kills me to see him frustrated and struggling. I want to fix him and I want to help him but I just don't know how. My mom has always said "you don't know love until you have kids and you feel their hurt and would trade the world for their happiness". That may be true but I also feel that way about Troy. I hurt when he hurts and I get frustrated when he gets frustrated. Work for him has been difficult. In the sense of he can't do things like he used to and let me tell you; that is his peak of frustration. He pushes and try's his hardest and ends up with results he isn't happy with. He comes home just beside himself worrying about what the guys think o

Life has gotten busy for us. The majority of my time has been spent on the phone trying to get a hold of someone at Mary Free Bed that knows what they are doing. What a flipping nightmare. I'm usually pretty good about it but having Troy on my case about how "I don't try hard enough and I'm doing this on purpose" really got me irritated. I nearly got in the car and drove my butt over there and walked in to say, "I'm not leaving until I get things resolved". But let's be real, I wouldn't ever do that. Troy is at one day a week at eight hours. I have to be careful with what I say here because Troy reads these posts and takes everything and makes it into whatever he wants to make it. I BELIEVE he is capable of more than just one day a week at eight hours, to what extent, I'm not sure. I hate the fact that the doctor told me I was in charge in front of Troy because honestly, I don't want that much control. I don't know what's best

Whenever I need a reminder of how precious life is, I resort back to my carepage blog for Troy. It brings me back to a place of such appreciation for life, and for such minor things we take for granted daily. Life is definitely difficult now, but not unmanageable. Things are different and I so wish they were back to easy like before. Now, if you were to ask me before he accident if I thought life was easy I would probably respond, "no". But, having been through almost losing the love of my life and dealing with the affects of a brain injury, it was a walk in the park! I know it's hard to realize what you have when you don't know the true feelings of the alternative. They are feelings I wouldn't wish on anyone. It does, however, give you an appreciation others don't have. I'm still unsure of what is better.  Some of the most frustrating parts of this life with a brain injury is Troy not understanding important things that deal with his well being. I feel li

As I sit here in the counsellors office alone, having time to think. One of my favorite songs comes on. "He Knows". A lot of my pain and hurt comes from feeling like no one understands me, my struggles, my underlying issues because of trauma. A lot of people dealt with Troys trauma; and respectively all differently. With me being wife, in my mind I probably took it the hardest. I feel a lot of guilt; like somehow, someway I could have prevented this. I could have saved Troy and myself from all of this crap we now life with because of a head injury. I also feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders to try and keep him safe, to keep this family working on all cylinders and to pull myself together for him. Putting all of those things plus way more together IS impossible.  I'm not sure there is enough hours in a day to try and describe all my feelings now post accident. My mind is a little screwed up I don't think straight, anxiety is a real thing everyday for me, an

I had the privilege to hear Bob Goff speak last night at Holland Christians Living Stones dinner. I haven't read his book or heard him speak before but I have heard a lot from my parents and others who have read his book. He is amazing. A person I wish to be more like. He is changing the world for Christ by loving everyone. It seems simple but we all have enemies, and honestly I don't want to love them. That's why they are my enemies. But God calls us to love no matter what; everybody, all the time. Such a huge challenge. To love those who have hurt us, abused us, taken advantage of us, or broke us. Love them anyway!  He has loved the unlovable and shown that God does miraculous things through our love we show to others. I feel like this is the 70x7. Forgive, forgive, forgive and love no matter what. Jesus did, and a lot of people hurt and sined against him.   Bob carried around a bucket all night and explained to us what his bucket was for. It was to help him remember to f

Week FIVE of work for Troy. Time is seriously flying. I have a call into Dr Vandenberg; for multiple reasons. I'm handing over the responsibility and want him to make the decision on whether Troy goes up in hours. I have, over the last 6 months, had a lot of power when it comes to Troys health and recovery. It's both a blessing and a curse. Obviously, you can't always make the right decisions but I lean very hard on the Doctors, nurses, family, people I trust to look to for advice. If anything were to happen to Troy because of a decision I made I would never forgive myself. I often  compare this experience to raising a child. Now, obviously I don't know or understand being a parent but I'm learning quickly that it must take a village to raise a kid. He is doing really well at work. Each week is a little better. He is a little less tired and able to do more. My anxiety had subsided a bit with him being at work. I tell myself often that whatever happens, it's tota

Week four of work came quickly, for me at least. He is going into his second week of working six hours a day. The last appointment we had with Vandenberg he told me that whenever I felt he was ready to bump up his hours or whatever I thought Troy needed, I can call and he will write a script for it. At first I was like, awesome! ......no. Especially when Troy knows I'm holding the key to more hours. He is contantly asking when I'm going to call. I think that I'm holding a little too much responsibility with this. I would much rather have a doctor make this call.  As much as Troy try's to talk me into things, I have learned that Kelsey knows better in this area. Let me tell you he is very convincing! I can get a lot of people to agree with me on that. I actually just had this discussion with him the other day. I've decided he actually thinks he is invincible. He can do anything in his mind so yes, he absolutely needs the reigns pulled in ALL.THE.TIME. Its nice to hav

I have a lot to be thankful for. One of them being the fact that we live so close to such an incredible hospitals with the absolute best doctors and staff. Having gone back to visit a few times I realize how much these people put into helping and caring for others. These nurses grieved with me, were happy with me, encouraged me and truely cared about my well being as well as Troys. They spent endless hours with me through the night talking about things to pass time. They were honest with me but always gentle. I tell you, it takes an incredible person to be a nurse. I'm lucky enough to know a lot of them!  While we were at Mary Free Bed, we met a lot of people from all over the country. They aren't lying when they say Mary Free Bed is one of the best rehabilitation hospitals and people come from all over the country. The healing and miraculous recoveries we witnessed were incredible. Personally, I think what helps these people succeed is the fact that everyone has such positive