Anxious mess

For the past few weeks my anxiety has gone through the roof. Flash backs that are so vivid it's like I'm reliving the whole thing again. Honestly, I'm a little ashamed that I'm still dealing with this. It's been since October, I should be getting better. 

I don't like talking about it. I feel like a ticking time bomb when discussing it. I lose all sense of reality. I hate not being able to control my emotions. Every morning the last few weeks when Troy gets up for work I lay in bed and just replay the whole night in my head. I get myself so worked up that I fully convince myself Troy is going to be dead by the end of the day. I have to do everything in my power to not tell Troy he can't go to work. I hear the door shut and all I want to do is run after him and tell him not to leave. 

These stupid flash backs occur at almost anytime of the day. Morning, afternoon or nighttime. I will have nightmares of other family members dying. I wake up and feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. 

PTSD is a real thing and it's miserable. It really makes me feel for all the men and women serving our country. I can't imagine the kind of trauma they experience. Things that will stick with them forever. It's honestly like being trapped in a reoccurring nightmare. 

Bad things don't come as a shock to me near as much anymore. I'm well aware that life is not fair but it's all about how we choose to deal with it. I'm pretty confident that anything good or bad can be changed into what you make of it. It will more than likely be the most challenging thing of your life but most challenges in life lead to high reward in the end. 

We're getting closer to the Vandenberg appointment, thank the Lord! Troy has been so UNpatient in this waiting game, I'm just ready to get it over with! I try and make guesses as to what the doctor will say or change but in honestly couldn't tell you this time. He does well with what he is at (he will tell you different). He still gets tired and needs his naps which is good healing for his brain but that might mean he just needs a little more time. I'm thinking that if that's the case, I don't want to be the one to drive him home, any takers?! :)