As I sit here in the counsellors office alone, having time to think. One of my favorite songs comes on. "He Knows". A lot of my pain and hurt comes from feeling like no one understands me, my struggles, my underlying issues because of trauma. A lot of people dealt with Troys trauma; and respectively all differently. With me being wife, in my mind I probably took it the hardest. I feel a lot of guilt; like somehow, someway I could have prevented this. I could have saved Troy and myself from all of this crap we now life with because of a head injury. I also feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders to try and keep him safe, to keep this family working on all cylinders and to pull myself together for him. Putting all of those things plus way more together IS impossible.
I'm not sure there is enough hours in a day to try and describe all my feelings now post accident. My mind is a little screwed up I don't think straight, anxiety is a real thing everyday for me, and my life just overall seems like a mumbo jumbo of confusing thoughts and unrealistic expectations. My wishes, hopes and dreams went from; "I just want to be happy" to "I just want Troy". He is all I care about now. My world no longer revolves around Kelsey it's Troy and that's ok. It needs to and that's something I'm very willing to do for him.
I'm getting side tracked trying to explain myself again....
All in all: God is the only one that understands my hurt, my pain, my discombobulated thought process and the best part is that he says; "it's ok, I still love you!" I often feel like my way of thinking now makes me seriously flawed.
It's tough to try and sort through things in my head when usually it just ends up making things worse. Hense; I have a counselor who can do the sorting for me! What a blessing those people are.
I talked last blog about how I was going to make a better attempt at loving people. Working in an ER all weekend that was put to the ultimate test. I had many times I wanted to slap people around the head with my hand. But, I chose to attempt patience. I know I could have done way better but when you mess up just keep trying don't give up. A lot of the thoughts going through my head were; "I am made in Gods image, so is this person." They may smell, they may cuss me out. Love them anyway! I have a daily reminder hanging up in my kitchen that says; "love everyone always". This is a challenge you need to take a day at a time. I feel loving people is one of the greatest challenges there are because in this world we see people as above, average or below. Who came up with that? So annoying! Who cares how big your house is, who you hang out with or how much money you have. Those things don't define YOU. You define you.
So I'm going to continue to challange myself daily to love others even if that is something completely out of my comfort zone. You never know what loving another person might do for your heart!
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