finding joy.

There are many days I find myself reminiscing about how things used to be. Usually it's about my state of mind. I've always been a bit paranoid but now a days it's completely consuming my every thought. I can take any situation and make it into the worst possible scenario possible. It's exhausting, it's annoying and honestly it's quite stupid. I want so badly to make all that cloudy thinking go away so I can enjoy life and whatever time we have left. Instead I feel myself guilted into things because something terrible might happen tomorrow and I'll regret if I didn't do this or that. It's true, trauma changes you. Sometimes for the better, other times it can make life a little more complicated. 

I'm slowly learning this new normal and at times I want to pull my hair out. It's so unbelievably frustrating when Troy lies, gets upset over the littlest things or makes me feel worse than dirt. But that's life now. A brain injury isn't like a broken bone. It takes a toll on their personality and everything about them. I think that a lot of troys personality is still there but one thing I miss is how over the top sweet he used to be with me. I'm not saying he isn't now but those times are very few and far between. In fact, just last weekend while we were sitting by a fire with friends he clicked into old Troy mode. I could have cried I was so happy to see a glimpse of that side again. I love being taken care of, and Troy always did an awesome job of that. Now, roles have reversed and I'm not used to it yet. I learned quickly and in a bad scenario how to take care of myself and my emotions. I do better getting my feelings out and not holding them in. However, life now works way easier for Troy (and therefore, for myself as well) when I don't talk about my feelings or how things are affecting me. Troy doesn't handle that stuff well and doesn't understand. I usually end up mad because I feel like he doesn't care. 

If I could go back to reliving the life we had before this mess I would in a heartbeat and I would never take it for granted ever again. The only issue is you don't know what you have until it's gone.  The freedoms and responsibility we once held that seemed like a nightmare now looks like a walk in the park. 

I just think back to how far we have come and I often think how much longer we have to go until we finally feel normal again. A day were my head doesn't nearly spin off my shoulders. My overthinking and constant worry about the next minutes or hours. I just want some peace in my life. I want to escape reality and start over. I need a breather.