finding joy.

Sorry for the lack of updating recently! 

Troy has been working eight hours a day the last couple weeks. Dr Vandenberg had put Troy on a low does of Ritalin; 10 mg twice a day. After a few weeks we didn't notice a huge difference. Troy had some pretty unrealistic goals going into it but with being an onlooker, it didn't seem to be doing a whole lot for him. It seemed to make his twitching flare up again. At times he was unable to hardly stand up because everything was twitching so bad. He has been pushing his limits (shocking right?!) so I often corresponded the twitching with too much activity for a day. When I called for his refill I threw out the idea of maybe bumping up his Ritalin to 20 mg in the morning. With our luck and MFB I thought there was no way we would get an answer so quickly. They called back an hour later and said; "we're going to try 20 mg twice a day". This is his third day with it and the twitching seems better already. He made it a whole day yesterday without resting which is a pretty big deal for him. 

He has had a few mishaps lately; falling off ladders and giving himself a impressive shiner on his leg. Let's just say, that doesn't help my anxiety; at all. He is so sick of having boundaries and in his mind it's been an eternity since he has been normal. I don't fully understand his frustration but I can kind of see where he is coming from. I think all in all he handles himself well for the most part for how much his life upsets him now. It's a lot of reminding and self talking with him that this is a journey that isn't measured in days and weeks but months and years. We have been hearing that from the beginning and unfortunately it's still the case. 

We had the opportunity to visit MFB and meet a sweet family who is unfortunately going through the beginning stages of a family member with a brain injury. He has followed almost he exact path Troy has gone while he was in recovery. Even had a lot of the same therapists and nurses! It was a very eye opening experience for both of us. Troy likes to compare himself to people; most of the time saying, "he is way worse then me right?". I don't like the comparison game with brain injuries because there are so many different factors that go into healing. Each brain injury is different, each recovery is different. Age, number of injuries (extremity fractures), previous head injuries, health, well-being, lifestyle, the list goes on forever with all the different factors that affect the outcome and severity of a brain injury. 

On the way home he asked some questions like; "did I ask what why I was there a lot too?" Yes, a lot. All the time actually. And when we told you, you were upset because you were convinced we were lying to you. "How did you react when I did that stuff, did you tell me I didn't know what I was talking about?" Nope, we went with it because what you thought was real to you. Whether it was you telling us you went snowmobiling the day before or that the nurses were smuggling in illegal Cuban cigars and stashing them behind the white board. We just tried to redirect the conversation which sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. 

I often think it was so much easier when Troy was at MFB but it was not and it took me going back there and having a glimpse into what life was like for us 7 months ago. It was exhausting. I remember telling saying to my mom, "I'm just so tired, I'm not even doing anything and I'm exhausted, it makes no sense!".  The emotional toll that lifestyle takes on you is truly exhausting. It was a different kind of tired. Not a yawn, I could take a nap but just everything about your being feels like it's can't go another day like this. I wish that for no one. 

I had a great conversation with a nurse at work the other day who went threw a ugly journey as well. And the effects that it took on her life. We both agreed that we still don't get why it happened to us the way it did. If we had an option to change it we would but in some crazy way we are lucky enough to have a real understanding of how perilous life is. We get to not fret the small stuff because it won't matter tomorrow. I carried so much guilt around because for the life of me I couldn't remember the last time I told Troy I loved him before he was in his accident. It could have been an hour before, I still don't know. But now, I make an effort every day, all the time to tell him I love him. Every morning he wakes me up to talk before work. It could be 5am, I don't care! Me having that time with him, telling him I love him and giving him a kiss every morning means I'll know if there is a next time that he knows I love him. Trust me, it's hard especially when I want to scream at him. I try my hardest to choose love with him everyday because me being mad about something dumb will not be worth it tomorrow if he isn't here. I can't imagine that guilt I would have to carry around. 

Maybe on some older news, we are expecting a baby BOY! I had a very strong feeling it was a boy. And people are constantly asking how I feel about it. I usually say, "if he gets my personality and troys looks, we will be good!". Troy was a little nervous, I think he now realizes what he is in for. The day we found out he walked around the house singing the song, "heaven help us if he is anything like me." HA. Ain't that the truth!!