On Hold

Week FIVE of work for Troy. Time is seriously flying. I have a call into Dr Vandenberg; for multiple reasons. I'm handing over the responsibility and want him to make the decision on whether Troy goes up in hours. I have, over the last 6 months, had a lot of power when it comes to Troys health and recovery. It's both a blessing and a curse. Obviously, you can't always make the right decisions but I lean very hard on the Doctors, nurses, family, people I trust to look to for advice. If anything were to happen to Troy because of a decision I made I would never forgive myself. I often  compare this experience to raising a child. Now, obviously I don't know or understand being a parent but I'm learning quickly that it must take a village to raise a kid.

He is doing really well at work. Each week is a little better. He is a little less tired and able to do more. My anxiety had subsided a bit with him being at work. I tell myself often that whatever happens, it's totally out of my control. I'm trying really hard to let go and it's the most challenging thing I've ever done. I would rather not hear about what he does at work. I'm putting a lot, I mean a lot of trust in his coworkers. 

I've struggled with PTSD since Troys accident. I have flash backs and times of panic. They come and go. Going to counseling has helped a bit but I still get them. They have kind of resurfaced again and never have I wanted to erase something so bad from my memory. It brings back feelings of complete chaos, panic, confusion. I still vividly see the lights from the ambulance reflecting off the windows of the house, troys face covered in blood. And his breathing, something that I still hear clear as day. That scares me the most. Mostly because I knew he would stop breathing and I didn't know what to do or how to help. I didn't have a crash cart to grab or a doctor to yell at, nothing. It gave me a whole new appreciation for first responders. 

One of the many struggles Troy and I deal with is not seeing each others side. We have been put into a position where it's nearly impossible to see each other's side. I can't put myself in troys shoes. I don't get it; I only know what he tells me. On the flip side; he didn't go through what I went through. He missed the most exhausting, traumatic thing of my life. Which, in happy I went through and not him. I'm not sure how well he would do in that situation. It puts us in a tough spot trying to understand each other in arguments and disagreements. 

The strength and hope I live on everyday is the promise Jesus made to never leave us or forsake us. Terrible things happen and honestly, we don't have it easy but we have it SO much easier than others. I'm beyond blessed (and stressed) to be troys wife. He makes life exciting and enjoyable. I wouldn't want it any other way.