our |perfect| storm

The day finally came that we got to meet with Dr Vandenberg again. I was a good mix of excited and totally annoyed. Troy has this thing where he thinks I'm out to ruin his life because I tell the doctors the truth... Yeah, its been a lot of fun dealing with him the last couple weeks. In fact, on our ride to the appointment he told me he didn't want me there. That made me feel just dandy. I had asked him to collect some papers from work that had weekly updates from the people he has been working with. When he got home he said, "I read them and I'm not taking them in." I asked if he thought that was being honest and he just stared at me. Obviously he knows better but he doesn't want anything in his way no matter what that means for his healing. That is by far the most frustrating part of all of this for me. I don't feel like he cares; I get he just wants to be normal but at some point he has to figure it out and get used to it because there is literally ...

For the past few weeks my anxiety has gone through the roof. Flash backs that are so vivid it's like I'm reliving the whole thing again. Honestly, I'm a little ashamed that I'm still dealing with this. It's been since October, I should be getting better.  I don't like talking about it. I feel like a ticking time bomb when discussing it. I lose all sense of reality. I hate not being able to control my emotions. Every morning the last few weeks when Troy gets up for work I lay in bed and just replay the whole night in my head. I get myself so worked up that I fully convince myself Troy is going to be dead by the end of the day. I have to do everything in my power to not tell Troy he can't go to work. I hear the door shut and all I want to do is run after him and tell him not to leave.  These stupid flash backs occur at almost anytime of the day. Morning, afternoon or nighttime. I will have nightmares of other family members dying. I wake up and feel like my he...

Another weekend down. Time seems to fly lately which I am not complaining about for a multitude of reasons. Troys back to work for another week; still at one day of eight hours and the rest at 6 hours. (Don't ask him about this unless you would like an ear full 😉) The plan is, for now, keep him on this schedule until our next appointment which obviously Troy is not real thrilled about but it is what it is. After spending four weeks trying to get ahold of the offices at Mary Free Bed, I'll gladly leave that alone for a while! Next appointment is coming up soon and I'm really curious as to what will all be decided.  We have another appointment this week and it's to check up on baby! Having Troy work shorter days now is kind of coming in handy seeing how he wants to be at every appointment. He's the sweetest. We're hoping we get a good picture so the doctor can see what the gender is. They told us this was a possibility at the last appointment and now I have my he...

I've become a professional "keep it all in". I feel like I have to, especially for Troy. He often feels like I don't care and I want to baby him all the time which isn't totally far from the truth but the reality of it is I would trade my own life for him to have his normal back. It truly kills me to see him frustrated and struggling. I want to fix him and I want to help him but I just don't know how. My mom has always said "you don't know love until you have kids and you feel their hurt and would trade the world for their happiness". That may be true but I also feel that way about Troy. I hurt when he hurts and I get frustrated when he gets frustrated. Work for him has been difficult. In the sense of he can't do things like he used to and let me tell you; that is his peak of frustration. He pushes and try's his hardest and ends up with results he isn't happy with. He comes home just beside himself worrying about what the guys think o...

Life has gotten busy for us. The majority of my time has been spent on the phone trying to get a hold of someone at Mary Free Bed that knows what they are doing. What a flipping nightmare. I'm usually pretty good about it but having Troy on my case about how "I don't try hard enough and I'm doing this on purpose" really got me irritated. I nearly got in the car and drove my butt over there and walked in to say, "I'm not leaving until I get things resolved". But let's be real, I wouldn't ever do that. Troy is at one day a week at eight hours. I have to be careful with what I say here because Troy reads these posts and takes everything and makes it into whatever he wants to make it. I BELIEVE he is capable of more than just one day a week at eight hours, to what extent, I'm not sure. I hate the fact that the doctor told me I was in charge in front of Troy because honestly, I don't want that much control. I don't know what's best...

Whenever I need a reminder of how precious life is, I resort back to my carepage blog for Troy. It brings me back to a place of such appreciation for life, and for such minor things we take for granted daily. Life is definitely difficult now, but not unmanageable. Things are different and I so wish they were back to easy like before. Now, if you were to ask me before he accident if I thought life was easy I would probably respond, "no". But, having been through almost losing the love of my life and dealing with the affects of a brain injury, it was a walk in the park! I know it's hard to realize what you have when you don't know the true feelings of the alternative. They are feelings I wouldn't wish on anyone. It does, however, give you an appreciation others don't have. I'm still unsure of what is better.  Some of the most frustrating parts of this life with a brain injury is Troy not understanding important things that deal with his well being. I feel li...

As I sit here in the counsellors office alone, having time to think. One of my favorite songs comes on. "He Knows". A lot of my pain and hurt comes from feeling like no one understands me, my struggles, my underlying issues because of trauma. A lot of people dealt with Troys trauma; and respectively all differently. With me being wife, in my mind I probably took it the hardest. I feel a lot of guilt; like somehow, someway I could have prevented this. I could have saved Troy and myself from all of this crap we now life with because of a head injury. I also feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders to try and keep him safe, to keep this family working on all cylinders and to pull myself together for him. Putting all of those things plus way more together IS impossible.  I'm not sure there is enough hours in a day to try and describe all my feelings now post accident. My mind is a little screwed up I don't think straight, anxiety is a real thing everyday for me, an...