our |perfect| storm

Another weekend down. Time seems to fly lately which I am not complaining about for a multitude of reasons. Troys back to work for another week; still at one day of eight hours and the rest at 6 hours. (Don't ask him about this unless you would like an ear full 😉) The plan is, for now, keep him on this schedule until our next appointment which obviously Troy is not real thrilled about but it is what it is. After spending four weeks trying to get ahold of the offices at Mary Free Bed, I'll gladly leave that alone for a while! Next appointment is coming up soon and I'm really curious as to what will all be decided.  We have another appointment this week and it's to check up on baby! Having Troy work shorter days now is kind of coming in handy seeing how he wants to be at every appointment. He's the sweetest. We're hoping we get a good picture so the doctor can see what the gender is. They told us this was a possibility at the last appointment and now I have my he...

I've become a professional "keep it all in". I feel like I have to, especially for Troy. He often feels like I don't care and I want to baby him all the time which isn't totally far from the truth but the reality of it is I would trade my own life for him to have his normal back. It truly kills me to see him frustrated and struggling. I want to fix him and I want to help him but I just don't know how. My mom has always said "you don't know love until you have kids and you feel their hurt and would trade the world for their happiness". That may be true but I also feel that way about Troy. I hurt when he hurts and I get frustrated when he gets frustrated. Work for him has been difficult. In the sense of he can't do things like he used to and let me tell you; that is his peak of frustration. He pushes and try's his hardest and ends up with results he isn't happy with. He comes home just beside himself worrying about what the guys think o...

Life has gotten busy for us. The majority of my time has been spent on the phone trying to get a hold of someone at Mary Free Bed that knows what they are doing. What a flipping nightmare. I'm usually pretty good about it but having Troy on my case about how "I don't try hard enough and I'm doing this on purpose" really got me irritated. I nearly got in the car and drove my butt over there and walked in to say, "I'm not leaving until I get things resolved". But let's be real, I wouldn't ever do that. Troy is at one day a week at eight hours. I have to be careful with what I say here because Troy reads these posts and takes everything and makes it into whatever he wants to make it. I BELIEVE he is capable of more than just one day a week at eight hours, to what extent, I'm not sure. I hate the fact that the doctor told me I was in charge in front of Troy because honestly, I don't want that much control. I don't know what's best...

Whenever I need a reminder of how precious life is, I resort back to my carepage blog for Troy. It brings me back to a place of such appreciation for life, and for such minor things we take for granted daily. Life is definitely difficult now, but not unmanageable. Things are different and I so wish they were back to easy like before. Now, if you were to ask me before he accident if I thought life was easy I would probably respond, "no". But, having been through almost losing the love of my life and dealing with the affects of a brain injury, it was a walk in the park! I know it's hard to realize what you have when you don't know the true feelings of the alternative. They are feelings I wouldn't wish on anyone. It does, however, give you an appreciation others don't have. I'm still unsure of what is better.  Some of the most frustrating parts of this life with a brain injury is Troy not understanding important things that deal with his well being. I feel li...

As I sit here in the counsellors office alone, having time to think. One of my favorite songs comes on. "He Knows". A lot of my pain and hurt comes from feeling like no one understands me, my struggles, my underlying issues because of trauma. A lot of people dealt with Troys trauma; and respectively all differently. With me being wife, in my mind I probably took it the hardest. I feel a lot of guilt; like somehow, someway I could have prevented this. I could have saved Troy and myself from all of this crap we now life with because of a head injury. I also feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders to try and keep him safe, to keep this family working on all cylinders and to pull myself together for him. Putting all of those things plus way more together IS impossible.  I'm not sure there is enough hours in a day to try and describe all my feelings now post accident. My mind is a little screwed up I don't think straight, anxiety is a real thing everyday for me, an...

I had the privilege to hear Bob Goff speak last night at Holland Christians Living Stones dinner. I haven't read his book or heard him speak before but I have heard a lot from my parents and others who have read his book. He is amazing. A person I wish to be more like. He is changing the world for Christ by loving everyone. It seems simple but we all have enemies, and honestly I don't want to love them. That's why they are my enemies. But God calls us to love no matter what; everybody, all the time. Such a huge challenge. To love those who have hurt us, abused us, taken advantage of us, or broke us. Love them anyway!  He has loved the unlovable and shown that God does miraculous things through our love we show to others. I feel like this is the 70x7. Forgive, forgive, forgive and love no matter what. Jesus did, and a lot of people hurt and sined against him.   Bob carried around a bucket all night and explained to us what his bucket was for. It was to help him remember to f...

Week FIVE of work for Troy. Time is seriously flying. I have a call into Dr Vandenberg; for multiple reasons. I'm handing over the responsibility and want him to make the decision on whether Troy goes up in hours. I have, over the last 6 months, had a lot of power when it comes to Troys health and recovery. It's both a blessing and a curse. Obviously, you can't always make the right decisions but I lean very hard on the Doctors, nurses, family, people I trust to look to for advice. If anything were to happen to Troy because of a decision I made I would never forgive myself. I often  compare this experience to raising a child. Now, obviously I don't know or understand being a parent but I'm learning quickly that it must take a village to raise a kid. He is doing really well at work. Each week is a little better. He is a little less tired and able to do more. My anxiety had subsided a bit with him being at work. I tell myself often that whatever happens, it's tota...