Things could be worse.

I have been finding myself lately wondering what life would be like if October 11, 2014 never happened. If I could erase that day, I would. In fact, I'd like to erase that day and the six months following it. What crap. That brain injury robbed us of ever having a "normal" life. It's so unfair. I've been struggling lately. For the longest time I have really held it together. When it comes to my emotions or feelings in regards to Troy and life after a severe head injury I tend to push those deep down to the pits where I hope they go to die. It seems that when I finally fill up that pit, it all comes rushing to the surface accompanied with uncontrollable emotion. A few weeks ago I sat quietly in bed, trying to organize my thoughts before having a very well, thought through conversation about where we are in life and what things I've really been struggling with.  When I just started crying, uncontrollably. I don't typically talk through my struggles with Troy. For many reasons. One big reason being, he doesn't understand. That is really, really hard. Although we are on this journey together we are journeying very different situations. Our conversations often end in; "You don't know how hard this is." And is quickly returned with a, "You don't know how hard this is for ME". Followed by silence. Both statements 1000% true to us. How do we find that way of coping and dealing together? We are still working on that.

Conversation is hard when people ask how Troy is doing. Good, yeah. Were managing. It's easier left there. Sometimes I even add in the, "things could be worse, I guess" Which is true but things could also be better. And truly there is nothing more discrediting to my feelings when someone says those words to me. It's basically saying, "It's not that bad". Well, sister. I'd like to tell ya, it aint all that easy either! For future note: please refrain from; "things could be worse". Thank you from all fellow TBI survivors and their family who deal with a lot behind the scenes. 

Now that I have officially let off that load of emotion I can tell you that my life isn't the worst like that probably read. Yes, I struggle and Troys glorious TBI really adds a nice touch to our struggles but we do OK. We have been in a rut lately and have been trying to figure out how we get out of it. Troy has been working out of town lately and hasn't been around as much as were used to. Playing single mom while the terrible twos slowly overtake my perfect angel child has been, a pleasure. Along with a thousand house projects that were trying to complete. Our life is chaos. But, when isn't it. I have become the queen of chaos. I should be good at this. I'm still very much looking forward to the day when Troy works close to home and I can actually sleep through the night again. Also, stress ulcers are no joke. Starting my count down to when this job is done for him! This has really helped me realize and appreciate the help he is around here with Brody. There is no sleeping in for me or donuts delivered in the mornings when Dad's not home :( 

Anyway,  another thing. Troy has been on Concerta for a while now. I may have mentioned he is on a pretty hefty dose. A dose I'm not sure is necessary for him anymore. He has become a bit out of sorts lately and its been very trying on my patience. I probably have also told you before about how our roles have completely flip flopped. I'm no longer the high maintenance, freak out over every little thing kind of person. That would be Troy. And man, he can put my work to shame in that department. I just really hope this is all a med issue or a phase. We are headed to Mary Free Bed in a couple weeks to get some things straightened out. I might even throw around the idea of some anti-anxiety meds. Troy claims those would make him "not care that much" and I say, perfect, where is the sign up sheet? :) We will see how all that pans out. It will be nice to see Dr. Vandenberg again. Poor guy usually has to deal with a full blown therapy session while we visit. We are very thankful for him and extremely lucky to have such good hospitals so close to home! 

As for Brody, terrible twos are in full force here. Send wine.