What if it were Jesus?

I'm finding how terrible I am at keeping up with this blog. Since the last blog, things haven't changed. Troy is not back to work yet. 

Ugh!!

Working with multiple doctors to try and get the "go ahead" has proven to be quite frustrating. In all honesty, I'm so ready for Troy to go back to work. He's ready, I'm ready, everybody is ready. It will be a huge help to our relationship. Spending all this time together has not been the greatest thing on the planet for us, sometimes I just want to rip my haircut and scream. I like alone time and I can't remember the last time I had that. Seriously. 

 When I'm home he thinks a "to do" list is necessary. I kid you not he will ask me up to 10 times in a NIGHT what our plans are for the next day. I'm about ready to tell him to go start building a house or something, anything, really! 

Today we ventured out and decided we were going to start some DIY projects, it actually just turned into me doing the projects and Troy doing wash and putting away clothes. Which, I will never complain about. He almost got all the wash done (it was heaping). I'm totally impressed. But, that should show you how bored he is. You know the saying "bored to death", he is close. Please, someone, LET THE KID WORK! 

Lately I've been pretty bummed about a lot of things. Relationships, people, myself. I turned to my handy dandy devotional for some guidance. And I read this; 

"This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go; of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in my presence, when you are complete. Take time to bask in the light of my love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into my care. 

You can feel secure in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of my continual presence. The one who never leaves you in the same one who never changes. I am the same yesterday, today and forever. As you release more and more things into my care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you."

Through this journey I've built so many walls around myself. Trying to protect myself from people, from hurt, disappointment and from ever having any feelings I experienced while Troy was in the hospital. I experienced hurt I never could have possibly imagined. I have lost more than control, I've lost trust. I know I have no control over the future, of people or situations. People will hurt me, that's life. We live in a world full of sin. There is no getting around that. 

I did however think of something today. How would we treat the people we hurt the most if Jesus was there? I often think this at work when I work with homeless, smelly, or less than polite people. What if that were Jesus? Would I treat them differently? That's a pretty easy question to answer for me. Yes! I always feel like no one could ever imagine the pain I feel or the hurt my heart still carries around daily. But, Jesus does. He did not have a perfect life. For crying out loud, he was hung on a cross! That's not fair! If I ever think I have it worse, I think back to that. I don't have it worse. In fact I could have it better if I let my Jesus carry that weight for me like he promised to do. He died for our sins. 

Life isn't fair, there will always be people in your life who treat you poorly. Let it go. (Need this as one of my daily reminders). As much as I want to change people, change situations. That just isn't reality. My mom has always told me; everyone is an example; either good or bad. It's so true. I learn from the people who hurt me and I learn from the people who love me. From those experiences I learn how to love and treat people knowing that I'm also an example to someone else. Especially my siblings who mean the absolute world to me. I want nothing more for them to turn into Christ loving, people loving people and to get that from the people they look up to ( I hope that is me :) ) 

So, today I'm going to start turning a corner. I'm doing it for myself and for the people I love. Because that is what Jesus would want. My life could be so much easier if I just let it go. It doesn't mean that I'm allowing myself to be used and abused. You know? Shame on me for allowing these feelings, people, and this situation to get to me. My fault, not anyone else's. This isn't a 180 change this is a step, a step towards a better life for me and Troy (and benson:) ) 

What kind of legacy will I leave if I don't make it past tonight? Well, that's up to me to decide.