Breaking away from reality

Life has sure been crazy for us the last (almost) five months. I still can not get over the fact that it has already been that long. It seems like this all happened yesterday. 

We have been swept up into life again; work, therapy, bills, keeping the house clean and so much more. The furtherest thing from our mind was a vacation. Until, my sweet grandparents offered us a place to stay with them in Gulf Shores, Alabama for a week. Oh. My. Word. I literally can't even explain the excitement of getting out of here for a while. Escaping from reality. We decided to take them up on the offer last minute and spent a few days on the shores of the Gulf. It wasn't very warm but being away from our life back home was the best thing for us. For the first time ever I felt like I could breathe. We sat on the beach and watched the weaves roll in. A part of me was racking my brain for what we could talk about but I realized, I can just sit here and take it all in while I can. 

Our intention for the trip was to keep all electronic devices off. I felt I did pretty good; leaving my phone in the room, not looking at Facebook or work emails. The reality of it was it didn't work as good as we had hoped. We had made it to he last night before I had my usual melt down. (That's impressive, I usually cry once a day - it's a new thing for me since five months ago 🙈) I didn't want to go back to reality because I don't feel like my reality is very fun all the time. It sucks, a lot. I've found lately it's hard for me to have a positive attitude because I feel like this whole thing is a never ending ordeal. Which, it kind of is. We will be dealing with the results of troys injury forever. I'm really searching for a way to accept that. Being in the car for nearly 17 hours together we had plenty of time to talk. I explained to Troy how I don't feel my life is real right now. I feel like I should still be sitting in a recliner next to his bed in the ICU. In a lot of ways, I feel that was easier than what life is now. I know that might not make sense to you, or anyone. Troy wasn't my responsibility at that time,he was in the trustworthy hands of doctors and nurses who controlled him. I hate having control now. Hate it. All the pressures of Troy being safe, making good decisions, I feel like are weighing on me constantly. I can't tell you how many times a days think, "Was that a good decision? What are the risks involved with this decision?" 

On our way home Troy said, "you know what I have noticed has changed since the accident? Your right a lot more and I'm never right." This was both something I loved hearing but hated at the same time. I analyze Troy more than he knows. I have watched his every move for nearly five months now. I know his next move before he even does it. I know him better than I know myself. Which is surpringly, extremely hard. Let's be real, I like to be right but in this situation,it's horrible. I don't want to know he will screw up and then have to make the decision on whether or not I let him figure it out himself or say no and deal with him being upset with me for not letting him do things. Lose-lose. 

Troy and I have a very different relationship now. I feel like I am everything around here; mother, wife, maid, nurse, anything you can think of, I feel it. I'm trying hard to let go some of those things but it's really hard giving up that. I feel like if I'm not going to do it, then who is? This whole experience has been a learning curve. I understand loving someone so much it hurts. I understand taking care of a  person and making decisions that are right but the hardest decisions I'll ever make. I get that all, all too well. At my age it shouldn't have to do this. I should be married, having fun, enjoying life. I want so badly to get back to all of that. This stupid brain injury is getting in the way of all of that. 

After all that, I knowing need to look to God for some guidance, to let Him relieve some of my pressures. I have been trying. To think it was so easy giving Troy to Jesus back when he was nearly dead and now it's like pulling teeth. It's really an easy decision I just have to get over myself and do it!