A new life

Another sleepless night has hit again. My thoughts are going a million miles an hour tonight. Over the last couple weeks we have met and been introduced to a lot of people. They often say, "you two are an amazing couple". That phrase gives me such an uneasy feeling. I feel like; were defiantly far from amazing. In fact were anything but amazing. Our life is so far from perfect. We fight, and we have a lot of shit in our life. I try not to sugar coat anything because I don't want anyone to think that all is good and easy now, five months after. We struggle, a lot. Personally, I think we struggle more now than we did ever before.

Life has changed dramatically for us. We have an incredible story but by no means does that make things any easier. If I could go back and change everything I would in a heart beat. After having a conversation tonight I know that I have a lot of healing to do in a lot of areas. Healing is hard and time consuming. Right now it feels next to impossible. I think I'll forever hold onto certain images and certain feelings. That happens when you survive trauma. It will get easier but sometimes it has to get worse to get better.  

I have, in a sense, become a different person through all of this. I learned to live my life for a period time without Troy. The person I need most in my life. It was the absolute worst feeling, one I could never put into words. There is not one person who could replace him. Today's sermon was about God giving us things in life we don't feel we can handle. Well, troys accident was the first thing on my mind. I never thought I could handle a situation like that. It has always been my biggest fear. By the grace of God I made it, somehow, someway. I will never fully understand. Since Oct 11, 2014 our lives were forever changed. That has been the biggest, hardest pill to swallow. We had a rough year prior but nothing compared to what we were about to face. Learning to live with all these changes with Troy and with my feelings and emotions has been extremely difficult for both of us. I don't know what's right or what's wrong. I still feel it's my responsibility to take care and protect him from himself. He is Troy but his brain injury is not. His injury will make bad decisions that will put him in danger. His injury has a lot of control of his actions right now. I feel it's my job to almost treat him like a child in situations I think he is making a bad call and that always results in a fight. Reality is, he is my husband, not my child. I can understand where he is coming from but it's extremely hard for me. 

Do you ever feel like you just want to break something? I've been feeling that way for months. Frustration is becoming a well known term in my vocabulary. I'm actually not sure what I'm not frustrated about. My whole life seems to be frustrating. 2015 was supposed to be our start over year and so far it's not impressed me. I know I have a lot of work to do with my attitude and coming to grips with, "it is what it is". But right now, I'm still a little angry, a little hurt, a lot frustrated and not really coming to grips yet. I sometimes think it's bad to feel this way. Like I should be feeling totally blessed and overwhelmed with how well Troy is and I am but I have more feelings than just those. I still question God in all of this, mostly why. I still don't understand that part. I hope some day I'll get it and I know troys story has touched many but it just still hurts, a lot. 

One thing I haven't lost is my confidence in God. He has proven to me how powerful His works are. I know that He does have a plan. It just seems unfair when other people get thrown the easy life card and were over here like, um... Hello! Got anything good for us?! I know that very selfish of me to feel. I know God has good things in store for us. They just seem to happen at totally unexpected times and few and far between for us. Were young, were just beginning our story, we (Lord willing) have a lot of life ahead of us to live. I do trust someday I'll look back and maybe get a better understanding of why life had to be this hard for us right away. If I knew it would be like this, we would have been on a year long honeymoon. (Seriously!) 

Just another day, just like everyday. Taking this journey one hour at a time. If I make it through one, I'm more confident I'll make it to the next. Someday these hours, days, months and years will be easier.