A new life

-
Another sleepless night has hit again. My thoughts are going a million miles an hour tonight. Over the last couple weeks we have met and been introduced to a lot of people. They often say, "you two are an amazing couple". That phrase gives me such an uneasy feeling. I feel like; were defiantly far from amazing. In fact were anything but amazing. Our life is so far from perfect. We fight, and we have a lot of shit in our life. I try not to sugar coat anything because I don't want anyone to think that all is good and easy now, five months after. We struggle, a lot. Personally, I think we struggle more now than we did ever before.

Life has changed dramatically for us. We have an incredible story but by no means does that make things any easier. If I could go back and change everything I would in a heart beat. After having a conversation tonight I know that I have a lot of healing to do in a lot of areas. Healing is hard and time consuming. Right now it feels next to impossible. I think I'll forever hold onto certain images and certain feelings. That happens when you survive trauma. It will get easier but sometimes it has to get worse to get better.  

I have, in a sense, become a different person through all of this. I learned to live my life for a period time without Troy. The person I need most in my life. It was the absolute worst feeling, one I could never put into words. There is not one person who could replace him. Today's sermon was about God giving us things in life we don't feel we can handle. Well, troys accident was the first thing on my mind. I never thought I could handle a situation like that. It has always been my biggest fear. By the grace of God I made it, somehow, someway. I will never fully understand. Since Oct 11, 2014 our lives were forever changed. That has been the biggest, hardest pill to swallow. We had a rough year prior but nothing compared to what we were about to face. Learning to live with all these changes with Troy and with my feelings and emotions has been extremely difficult for both of us. I don't know what's right or what's wrong. I still feel it's my responsibility to take care and protect him from himself. He is Troy but his brain injury is not. His injury will make bad decisions that will put him in danger. His injury has a lot of control of his actions right now. I feel it's my job to almost treat him like a child in situations I think he is making a bad call and that always results in a fight. Reality is, he is my husband, not my child. I can understand where he is coming from but it's extremely hard for me. 

Do you ever feel like you just want to break something? I've been feeling that way for months. Frustration is becoming a well known term in my vocabulary. I'm actually not sure what I'm not frustrated about. My whole life seems to be frustrating. 2015 was supposed to be our start over year and so far it's not impressed me. I know I have a lot of work to do with my attitude and coming to grips with, "it is what it is". But right now, I'm still a little angry, a little hurt, a lot frustrated and not really coming to grips yet. I sometimes think it's bad to feel this way. Like I should be feeling totally blessed and overwhelmed with how well Troy is and I am but I have more feelings than just those. I still question God in all of this, mostly why. I still don't understand that part. I hope some day I'll get it and I know troys story has touched many but it just still hurts, a lot. 

One thing I haven't lost is my confidence in God. He has proven to me how powerful His works are. I know that He does have a plan. It just seems unfair when other people get thrown the easy life card and were over here like, um... Hello! Got anything good for us?! I know that very selfish of me to feel. I know God has good things in store for us. They just seem to happen at totally unexpected times and few and far between for us. Were young, were just beginning our story, we (Lord willing) have a lot of life ahead of us to live. I do trust someday I'll look back and maybe get a better understanding of why life had to be this hard for us right away. If I knew it would be like this, we would have been on a year long honeymoon. (Seriously!) 

Just another day, just like everyday. Taking this journey one hour at a time. If I make it through one, I'm more confident I'll make it to the next. Someday these hours, days, months and years will be easier. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

finding joy.

-
There was a time I wondered if I would ever find joy in life again.  I had managed to completely engulfed myself in despair. The battle of dealing with loss all while celebrating life was a concept I couldn't grasp. Most of my days were spent with a therapist, trying to make sense of my situation. The pile of problems I was facing looked more like mountains to me. I sat at the bottom of that mountain for several months and allowed satan to fill me with anger. There had been a day where I sat at the top of that mountain. How did God allow me to drop so quickly to the bottom? As I drowned in my own self-pity I slowly came to this realization: It starts with a step.  I started with a step which turned into a few steps. After a few steps I saw progress. Once I saw progress I began finding my confidence. The bigger my confidence grew the larger my steps were. Every once in a while I find a spot of loose stone and have to reroute. However, after a few wrong turns and a few mis
Read more

balance.

-
We have had a rough couple of months, as you may have seen from my recent posts. Troy and I have always been really good at balancing each other out. When one of us falls, the other is there to pick up the slack. I truly felt the load was too much to handle and Troy wasn't able to pick up anything for me. This is life for us now. There are more times Troy isn't able to pick up the slack and the load continues to fall heavier on me. I had many months of "too much" and finally broke. I called our "911", also known as, Doctor Vandenberg. He was able to get us in fairly quickly which NEVER happens so we are extremely thankful for that. We switched some meds around a few weeks ago and life has been significantly easier ever since. Concerta is known to have some crappy side effects which we were experiencing in full force. Since Troy's head injury one of the many issues he faces is just plain irritation with everything and everyone. He gets so unbelievably fru
Read more
-
Roles have reversed here at the Bosch house. I all of the sudden became patient and Troy my care giver. Scary, I know. I'm not handling it well. I have this idea that it's just easier if I do things because they will get done the way I want them too.  Last Tuesday after work I landed myself back in Holland Hospital but this time as a patient. At my last appointment my BP was elevated and they told me to keep and eye on it. Throughout the weekend I had checked it three times a day; morning, noon and night. After a few days I had noticed a trend up. Of course it was after hours so I called in just to ask. Little did I know she would have me come in for testing, let alone not let me leave for the whole night either! I was a little upset which probably didn't help the BP issue. They kept saying, "your BP is scary and girl, your swollen!". All of that was true but I was convinced I could fix it by a good night sleep :) after IV fluids, meds, blood work and fetal monito
Read more