Steps

I am not my struggles. 

Today is a new day. My attitude is my choice and today I'm going to choose happiness. My struggles don't and shouldn't define me. I am not weak and I'm not going to let life's unfortunate events take me down. 

I've felt like the last four months have presented a lot of opportunities for the devil to get into my head and unfortunately, it's happened on multiple occasions. My anxiety gets to me and overwhelms me with negative thoughts. It's a lot for me to overcome those negative thoughts. I don't want to feel bad for myself, I don't want bad things to break me. I'm so much stronger than all of that. 

All of these battles I've felt like I'm fighting alone becuause Troy isn't my Troy he was before the accident. Last night was the first time we sat down, talked and I saw a glimpse of my Troy back. I can't even describe how happy I felt at that moment. I cried. Knowing that some of troys deficits might not come back has really been a hard pill for me to swallow. Waiting and wondering if I'll ever get those deficits back has been exhausting. Those little moments of Troys personality coming back makes me so much more trusting that he will again be himself someday. Patience has never been my strong suit. But, in this case if I have to wait a year for Troy to be back to normal again, I will wait. 

I think a lot of this situation has weighted heavy on me feeling like I need to be so many things to Troy; his wife, his mother, his nurse, etc. It is a lot to juggle. I've finally come to the realization that I can't continue to be all those things and stay sane. I need to give up which is a lot easier said than done. I want to get back to just being his wife. I want to be supportive and encouraging and I can't be those things without giving my trust back to the one who healed him and brought him back to me in the first place. It was so easy for me to give up and let go when Troy was first in his accident, I need to learn to do that agian. Because I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life. I can overcome all these feelings, I know what I have to do and I'm going to work my butt off to start letting go. 

I know I'll feel better. I already do after determining that this is the right choice. I've taken a step back and know this is what's best for me, for Troy, and for our relationship. 

Troys brain healing is measured in steps just as my overcoming this trauma is also measured in steps. I'm ready for the next one that will bring me closer to our normalcy.