finding joy.

It's been a while since I've posted. Life just all of the sudden got BUSY! How that happened after all of troys therapy got cancelled, no idea. 

To make a long story short, insurance only covers a certain amount of visits per therapy. For us we were lucky enough to get 30 visits combined PT and OT and 30 visits total for speech. Well, turns out those go quick when your going twice a week. Thankfully, Troy has been doing awesome physically so the need for PT isn't there anymore. What we really need is OT. With only having 4 sessions left were trying to use them wisely. Troys neuro pysch test is next week already! After that we will get a better understanding for what Troy still needs therapy wise. So, were going to hold off on therapy until we know the results. Fingers crossed (for Troy) we can get OT to do an on site job training with him to see what his job all entails. 

Our big news this week is that Troy got the big stamp of approval to get behind a wheel again. Um... I'm not to thrilled about it. It just gives me more anxiety on top of what I already have to deal with. I'm not anywhere near ready for Troy to have this kind of independence. Driving is a huge deal and a huge responsibility. I trust troy but I don't trust that his stupid brain injury won't cloud his judgement at times. I'm so uninterested in him getting behind the wheel and hurting himself or someone else. On the other hand; this is a huge step for Troy. He has been looking forward to gaining this freedom for a long time. And now he has it. I'm so proud of him and how hard he has worked in therapy to get where he is today. I'm a firm believer that a positive, confident attitude can bring you a long way! Troy has been a great example of that. 

We haven't heard of any results in regaurds to his EEG. I'm sure by now, after calling them about 20 times today, they are eager to get me off their back. The main reason is that if it is in fact seizures, Troy can not be driving. I want to get that straightened out before we get too carried away with all of this. They should be calling me tomorrow and if not we will make the phone call count a little higher than 20.  It's been a few weeks, they should have the results by now. 

Troy and I stepped out and mixed things up a bit by attending Ridge Point this past Sunday. I was kind of nice, I felt at home because that is where I grew up going to church. I am so glad we went. They are in a series titled: The Silver Lining. On Sunday the sermon was all about how to help people who are suffering. This all hit very close to home for me which made for a lot of tears but I'm so glad that Ridge Point did such an incredible job being real and raw about it. Helping people who are struggling is hard for many reasons. While a person is hurting it's hard for them to be logical. I'm so very familiar with this. I know that I've said and done things that are totally irrational. But, I don't know how else to deal with it. Everything hurts, everything is emotional and in some ways I've felt, everyone is trying so hard to fix me and I just need someone to hug me and say nothing. 

Advice is something I'm guilty of. I see hurting people and I want to fix it. It's the natural human response to pain. No one wants to be hurt. What I've learned being on the receiving end of all of this is that there is a way to go about it and a way not to go about it. Kevin (the pastor at Ridge Point) said that people who are hurting and extremely vulnerable and so easily hurt. The way you go about handling them of so important. You need to be wise and be knowledgable. Which is hard, for me there was a lot of anger with people trying to tell me what to do when they have no way of understanding my position. It was very hard for me to believe that people who I haven't been close with before cared. In all honesty some people I was angry at because I felt the only reason they came around was for their own selfish reasons. Whether it's true or not true, I was and still am vulnerable and defensive. 

We read into Job and talked of the story about Jobs mourning. How his friends handled it. The pastor emphasized that you can be helpful to people who are hurting but it is very possible to make things worse and cause a lot more pain to the person who will only push you away. Sadly, I think in most cases of suffering you find a lot of hurt and relationship issues because people go about it the wrong way. It was true in my case and it's very unfortunate. I've always been one to take my relationships very seriously. I'm not saying I'm perfect but when I love, I love a lot and when someone hurts me I have a door that I quickly close. It's easier, so much easier than being hurt. Being at the point I am now I feel I have no more room to be hurt. Those doors close so much harder and so much faster for me when I'm in a state of suffering. In the sermon he talked about living in the past vs. moving forward. I feel I'm very much still living in this suffering. Maybe I don't handle it well but this journey is hard. I try and find a good way to explain and the best way is that I'm living as a single mom with a rebellious teenage son. That's a huge part in why I'm going to see a counselor; to work through my complications and deal with them the correct way so I can start the process of moving forward. 

I have such a huge appreciation for people who are care takers of others with deficits and illnesses. It is draining. I feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have nothing more to give. Yet God has shown me that he replenishes my supply of love, caring and compassion in a way I never thought possible with Troy. I love Troy more than anything but in such a different way now that I'll never be able to explain. I know that someday he will be back to himself. No more tantrums, no more hurtful words just Troy. And then, I'll be able to look back and say, "Man, if we made it through that, we can make it through anything!" I know life could be very different for me today and I'm so thankful that it's this way instead of the alternative. I have found strength in myself I never knew I had. 

Take it or leave it but here is my advice (didn't I just say I was guilty of the advice and now here I am)

Be there. You don't need to say anything. Just your presence goes so much further than you would ever imagine. 

Romans 12:15 "mourn with those who mourn"

Be careful. Be knowledgable and wise about what you say when trying to help others.

Suffer with us. I know it sounds weird to say. Jesus put us all on this earth as brothers and sisters to support and love each other through our deepest, darkest days. Do it! 

Use similar experiences to not compare but to be a supporter through similar struggles. 

Last but not least; pray. Prayer is huge. Prayer can do the indescribable. Pray big and pray bold because what do you have to lose?