No matter what!

I found myself googling articles about women who have had to care for a husband suffering from a TBI. I stumbled upon an article that quite frankly, could have been written by myself it was so dead on. She explained her feelings of anxiety, frustrations and complete terror of the unknown after being sent home to care for her husband who had an extreme case of stubbornness accompanied with a TBI. 

On a daily basis I hear these phrases, "stop worrying", "I'm fine", "nothing is going to happen". I'm ashamed to say that on more than one occasion those phrases have spun me into a complete hysterical, freak out mode. Where I typically end up storming out of the room saying, "I can't do this anymore", "you don't care", "you have no idea what I went through!". Troy has lost a bit of his remorse and understanding. Because of that I can honestly say, I never get the response I want from him. He usually yells back and gets even more mad and I'm left to pick myself up instead of him doing it for me like he normally would do. Marriage is hard but marriage is harder with a brain injury. 

I have had the attitude of, no body understands since the accident. And I truly believe that if you haven't been through it, you have no idea what life with a TBI intales. I find it to be so much easier to push people away when they try and relate. I would much rather let them go then deal with the hurt of them thinking they get it and tell me how to do certain things or feel certain ways. I feel alone in this battle of trying to do this all perfectly and still trying to keep my marriage in the honeymoon phase. It's impossible. I don't trust that people won't give him a beer, I don't trust that people won't let him dangerous things. Because they don't get. To me, all they think is; what would the harm of "just once" do? Well in troys case it could do a lot. As I'm being warned by doctors and nurses about how high his chances are of another TBI. I'm thinking about how I can get his friends and family to understand the damage they could do to him with ONE single decision. One beer, one drive, one "don't tell Kelsey" instance. And then what? You want to be the one to call me and say, "I let Troy do this and now he is dead?" This all might seem dramatic to you but for me it's reality. I nearly lost him once. I know how it feels to sit there and think I lost the one person in my life I loved more than anything. The feeling is the worst feeling to ever feel. 

In this article, I found that we share the same fear that someday, anyday, our worst nightmare will come true again and it won't be the same the second time around. It's a miracle Troy is doing as good as he is. A TBI is a horrible experience for so many reasons. I wish everything was what it used to be. I wish Troy never got on that dirt bike. I wish I could go back in time and start over. Make different decisions. But I can't. I live with what I have now, a husband with a TBI who may or may not get back to 100%. What I am thankful for is that he has another chance at life. I just don't want to feel the guilt of messing that chance up if anything were to ever happen to him. I know troy doesn't grasp this concept completely. Which makes it that much harder to explain to him. 

Today, after chatting with RVL (he married us). I realized something. Marriage isn't just about loving a person for who they are. It's a commitment that means so much more. That no matter what happens, you will be by that persons side. Through brain injuries, through loss, through all types of struggles. No matter what. I remember the days at Spectrum when Troy flicked me off, cursed at me, kicked and punched me and I thought to myself how can make it until tomorrow. I get it now. You have unconditional love for this person, you made a commitment to love and care for them through their worst, and trust that they would do the same for you. I married an incredible man. One who, no doubt about it, would do the same for me and wouldn't ever give up on me. On August 10, 2012 I didn't just promise this man through sickness and in health I promised that through the absolute worst life can give us I would never turn my back on him. And I intend to keep that promise, no matter how mad I get, no matter how much he doesn't understand, no matter what.