finding joy.

"Much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of my main ways I assert my sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to me and do things my way, ask me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal , let me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in my presence."

Jesus Calling

The last few days have been rough. I have been so frustrated. Troy snaps constantly; I feel I can't do anything right for him. I try so hard to stear away from conversations that I feel he's trying to just stir up an argument because I'm just not interested in arguing. For the first time I thought to myself, I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I want to quit. Obviously, that's not really an option. I feel like I'm running out of steam. I try and remind myself that he has a brain injury, he says things he doesn't mean and I need to be more understanding. They warned me of these things already, I should have been prepared. Well, nothing can prepare you for that. It hurts.

This week was my first week back to work. It's possible that might be why Troy is acting out. I'm not around 100% of the time for him anymore. He maybe feels it's unfair I'm back to work and he's not. It could be anything. I try to focus on a day at a time. I don't want to think about how long this phase will last or if it will ever go away. I hope and pray it does. While we were in Mary Free Bed he told me that he was upset that I put him through all of this, that he wished I would have let him die. Nothing has ever hurt as much as those words, ever. Those are words I'll never forget. I felt like a failure, I felt like I had ruined his life but I was also pissed. I was more pissed at his brain injury for making him think that way because my Troy would have never said that to me. He never would have hurt me like that. He has lost his feeling of remorse. I obviously have my meltdowns which tend to happen a lot more lately but I feel he doesn't care. I sit alone most of the time. Troy has always been the most comforting, supportive person. It's been three months since his accident. He has so much more healing to do. I don't know what is the right way to go about these issues and conversations. All of these are firsts. I've never had to deal with any of these things before. I'm trying to cope and adjust to his new way of thinking. I love him more than life itself and I can't stand the fact that this stupid brain injury is making him do things he normally wouldn't do. 

I don't want to use his brain injury against him. I know he doesn't get when he is acting terrible. When he gets into this funk you cant say or do anything to make it better. Literally, nothing. I thought time apart would make us appreciate each other more but I think he feels left behind. I can't imagine being stuck home, unable to drive and have to live by rules of what I can and can not do. Especially for Troy. He always loved doing his own thing. It's safe to say he is probably so unbelievably frustrated and just taking it out on me. I don't want to sound like Troy is a horrible person. He is still every girls dream husband. He still shows he loves me in ways he has before. Tonight, he took me out to a Italian restaurant. If anyone knows Troy you know, he hates Italian food. But, he wanted to go because I like it. He is a sweetheart and unfortunately brain injurys happen and they suck. They make a person act out in ways they never would have before, they make people say things they never would have imagined saying. All in all; Troy is here, he is healthy, walking, talking and still healing. I have nothing to complain about!