practice patience
"I am the gift that continuously gives - bounteously, with no strings attached. Unconditional love is such a radical concept that even my most devoted followers fail to grasp it fully. Absolutely nothing in heaven or on earth can cause me to stop loving you. You may feel more loved when you are performing according to your expectations. But my love for you is perfect; therefore it is not subject to variation. What does vary is your awareness of my loving presence.
When you are dissatisfied with your behavior, you tend to feel unworthy of my love. You may unconsciously punish yourself by withdrawing from me and attributing the distance between us to my displeasure. Instead of returning to me and receiving my love, you attempt to earn my approval by trying harder. All the while, I am aching to hold you in my everlasting arms, to enfold you in my love. When you are feeling unworthy or unloved, come to me. Then ask for receptivity to my unfailing love." Jesus Calling
I'd say, so far I have done really good practicing patience and understanding as Troy and I spend literally every waking moment together. There are times where he repeats himself, says things that don't make sense or makes a rash, bad judgement decision in which I need to step in. It usually causes some tension for a moment. In my head; arguments and disagreements are not necessary anymore. I look at everything as "Is it worth it?" In some ways its good but sometimes its just, exhausting. Every good and healthy relationship has their disagreements. Lord knows we do. Last night was the first night I actually got upset with him and felt such a huge amount of guilt afterwards. He started walking down the driveway to get the mail. Apart of me thought, he can do that, another part said, don't let him cross the road alone! So, I ran out to meet him. He was about to cross the road. A car was coming and in all honesty he probably could have made it. I grabbed his coat and pulled him back and yelled, "What were you thinking? You could have gotten hit!"We got inside and I couldn't get over it. I'm so nervous about everything. I look at every situation in the worst possible way and think; that could happen! Yes, it could, or it couldn't. After that, everything he did was frustrating to me. Things he said, words he missed. I was so over everything. I kept thinking back to how things used to be. When I didn't have to worry about him simply getting the mail. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that we are together constantly and I have a serious anxiety problem. I'm just so uninterested in going through days of hell like I had before with him.
With the holidays come business and lack of personal time. I haven't been great at keeping up with my devotions. I was once again reminded why my devotions are so important. I opened up my devotions to the most fitting subject for the day. Feeling unworthy and so imperfect. I was getting very down on myself feeling like I'm not cut out for this job. Feeling like I'm not good enough to take care of my husband with a brain injury. I remind myself daily that this is easy. This situation could have been so much worse. Troy is very independent. Yes, I do a lot for him but that is my job as his wife; with or without a brain injury. I need to show him unconditional love and unconditional patience and understanding. I'm sure if I walked a day in his shoes, life would be anything but a walk in the park. It also shows me that I can't do this alone. I need a listener who gets it, who will pull me through any day full of frustration. I have that and He is literally with me where ever I go. I need to take advantage of that and talk with Him. Not shy away and feel unworthy. No one and nothing can separate the love Jesus has for us. There is also nothing and no one that can take away my love for Troy. There are going to be days that... suck. There are going to be days that are fantastic. That's normal life. And normal life is what I've been wanting. I'm thankful that Troy can talk, and think and walk, and have feelings. All of those things could have just as easily not come back. I'd rather it this way than the alternative.
Monday we are headed back to GR to meet with Troys neuro surgeon; Dr Vitaz. Hopefully, we will be given an update on the results of his CT scan that was taken last week. Then, the next appointment will be in a couple weeks to meet with Dr Vandeneberg at Mary Free Bed. I'm crossing my fingers we can get the driving school and neuro pysch test scheduled. Troy would be totally excited if he got cleared to work a little too. We will be having a reevaluation in therapy next week to determine whether or not he needs to continue with two sessions a week or if we can go down to one or even hold until further notice. Either way would be totally cool! And way easier for me as I go back to work the beginning of January!
When you are dissatisfied with your behavior, you tend to feel unworthy of my love. You may unconsciously punish yourself by withdrawing from me and attributing the distance between us to my displeasure. Instead of returning to me and receiving my love, you attempt to earn my approval by trying harder. All the while, I am aching to hold you in my everlasting arms, to enfold you in my love. When you are feeling unworthy or unloved, come to me. Then ask for receptivity to my unfailing love." Jesus Calling
I'd say, so far I have done really good practicing patience and understanding as Troy and I spend literally every waking moment together. There are times where he repeats himself, says things that don't make sense or makes a rash, bad judgement decision in which I need to step in. It usually causes some tension for a moment. In my head; arguments and disagreements are not necessary anymore. I look at everything as "Is it worth it?" In some ways its good but sometimes its just, exhausting. Every good and healthy relationship has their disagreements. Lord knows we do. Last night was the first night I actually got upset with him and felt such a huge amount of guilt afterwards. He started walking down the driveway to get the mail. Apart of me thought, he can do that, another part said, don't let him cross the road alone! So, I ran out to meet him. He was about to cross the road. A car was coming and in all honesty he probably could have made it. I grabbed his coat and pulled him back and yelled, "What were you thinking? You could have gotten hit!"We got inside and I couldn't get over it. I'm so nervous about everything. I look at every situation in the worst possible way and think; that could happen! Yes, it could, or it couldn't. After that, everything he did was frustrating to me. Things he said, words he missed. I was so over everything. I kept thinking back to how things used to be. When I didn't have to worry about him simply getting the mail. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that we are together constantly and I have a serious anxiety problem. I'm just so uninterested in going through days of hell like I had before with him.
With the holidays come business and lack of personal time. I haven't been great at keeping up with my devotions. I was once again reminded why my devotions are so important. I opened up my devotions to the most fitting subject for the day. Feeling unworthy and so imperfect. I was getting very down on myself feeling like I'm not cut out for this job. Feeling like I'm not good enough to take care of my husband with a brain injury. I remind myself daily that this is easy. This situation could have been so much worse. Troy is very independent. Yes, I do a lot for him but that is my job as his wife; with or without a brain injury. I need to show him unconditional love and unconditional patience and understanding. I'm sure if I walked a day in his shoes, life would be anything but a walk in the park. It also shows me that I can't do this alone. I need a listener who gets it, who will pull me through any day full of frustration. I have that and He is literally with me where ever I go. I need to take advantage of that and talk with Him. Not shy away and feel unworthy. No one and nothing can separate the love Jesus has for us. There is also nothing and no one that can take away my love for Troy. There are going to be days that... suck. There are going to be days that are fantastic. That's normal life. And normal life is what I've been wanting. I'm thankful that Troy can talk, and think and walk, and have feelings. All of those things could have just as easily not come back. I'd rather it this way than the alternative.
Monday we are headed back to GR to meet with Troys neuro surgeon; Dr Vitaz. Hopefully, we will be given an update on the results of his CT scan that was taken last week. Then, the next appointment will be in a couple weeks to meet with Dr Vandeneberg at Mary Free Bed. I'm crossing my fingers we can get the driving school and neuro pysch test scheduled. Troy would be totally excited if he got cleared to work a little too. We will be having a reevaluation in therapy next week to determine whether or not he needs to continue with two sessions a week or if we can go down to one or even hold until further notice. Either way would be totally cool! And way easier for me as I go back to work the beginning of January!
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