unexpected

April, 2014. We found out we were once again, expecting. We had been trying so it didn't come as much of a shock to us. However, we were SO excited! A chance to try this all again. Little did I know we were in for another disappointment. I had been getting my HCG levels monitored and they were going up just as they were supposed to. Everything looked great, and very promising. I had a lot of hope that everything was going to go better than ever this time around. I even bought baby clothes and blankets, even a diaper bag. (I'm a very impatient person :) ) I had made it to 7 weeks! I was feeling good, not great. I look back and wonder if I was telling myself I didn't feel good to make myself feel better that everything was going better than the last time.

 I was a week away from my first ultrasound. We had decided to tell our parents early on in the pregnancy because we wanted and needed the support. It was a Sunday morning, before church, I woke up and immediately knew I had started bleeding. I went to the bathroom calmly thinking I might be wrong. I quickly realized I had once again more than likely began the process of losing our baby. I felt shocked more than anything I sat there and told myself over and over this could be nothing, everything could be fine.

 As soon as I opened the door to our bedroom door I fell to the floor and began crying. Troy jumped out of bed and hugged me and just kept saying "No, this can't be happening, not again". I felt so lost and helpless. I felt like I had let Troy down. I was upset, upset that for some reason my stupid body couldn't do the one thing woman were out on this earth to do, make babies. I gathered myself together and told Troy I just needed to sleep and ill call the doctor tomorrow, because it could be nothing. I knew better though.

 I went in to be seen and found my HCG levels had dropped to 192. The gestational sac was only measuring four weeks when I should have been nearly eight. I went into the ultrasound knowing I was miscarrying again. Tears ran down my cheeks the whole time I was having my ultrasound done, Troy sat there quietly holding my hand and asking the ultrasound tech what she was seeing. We left the hospital that day knowing we were in the process of losing our second baby. I cried and cried, I never thought this would happen to me once let alone twice! I told Troy I was not trying again for a long time because my heart had a lot of healing to do. We agreed that focusing on us for a little while would be good, we didn't want to waste our whole summer with doctors appointments and blood work like we had all spring. We just simply needed a break! 

I got a part time position at work and Troy got a new job, we bought a new car and enjoyed our summer with a drink in hand. (Lord knows I needed one after all that) We had both decided that once summer was done we would try again. 

We had been given the go ahead to try again anytime, knowing that the next pregnancy would be a little more complicated. My doctor wanted me on a progesterone supplement and antibiotics when we were to find out we were pregnant again, and more closely monitor my HCG levels and an early ultrasound. 

Weeks went by and we finally got the big positive we were hoping for. I felt very confident that this time around would be different. I was on extra medications and being closely monitiored. There was always a thought in the back of my head that this could potentially go south again but I didn't dwell on it. I got my HCG levels checked and they were low, like 12. Not a great start. Being the impatient person that I am I called and called asking for the results of my second HCG lab. The nurses were pretty frustrated with my calling constantly, but I didn't care. I wanted to know! Finally, they came back at a 11. I don't really remember feeling much, emotionally. I think that by that time I was pretty numb to the news that once again my body sucked. 

I was so sick of it, I was sick of doctors, bloodwork, hiding my feelings from the outside world and most of all sick of not knowing WHY. Why was this happening, I get that miscarriages happen 50% of the time but I just had three in a row. There has to be something wrong with me. 

My doctor referred me to a fertility specialist in GR for further testing which I was very happy about. Finally were moving forward and doing something!