opinions and frustrations
I have had a really hard time updating this blog. My intention for this blog was to expand outside the box of just Troy, but let's face it; the boy is my life! I'm so OK with that. I love writing about Troy and the progress he has been making. It is honestly so fun to be able to tell people the fun stories and updates we have. This whole journey has been quite the experience. Not always great. From the beginning, I told myself I was going to be real about everything. I don't want to portray my life or myself as perfect because it is so very far from that. I struggle with a lot things just as any one of you do.
My personality is very open, honest, and opinionated. Trust me when I say, I'm well aware that those things can get me in trouble. At times, things I say can just as easily go unsaid. When Troy and I started dating I learned quickly that not all people are like me. Troy came into things with an attitude of, "get over it'. Oh my, I won't even begin to tell you the amount of tension that has brought to our relationship. I'm not the "get over it" type. I'm very much a sit down, talk things through and lets figure things out kind of person. After three years of marriage Troy and I have figured out how to deal with our differences in that aspect and honestly, I'm so very thankful for an understanding husband who will sit down and dish it out with me because he knows that is what I need. I have also come to the conclusion that there are things I don't need to dwell on, I can move on because it is not that big of a deal.
For me, the hardest part about our marriage was bringing together two families who, in our case, are polar opposites. Literally, I'm not sure you could get any different. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Every family has their own story who make them who they are. For me, it was so different I wasn't sure what was up and what was down. Things I could say in front of my parents were totally unacceptable for Troys family, and things Troys family did, I could never in a million years do at my own house. That's just how it was, and still is. I find it hard to be myself throughout all those situations. I feel awkward and insecure while I'm out of my comfort zone. I try my best to handle each situation right, but lets face it, you will not get it right every time.
Coming together in such a close-knit, intimate situation as we have with Troy's accident really threw us all for a loop with us all being so different. One of the first nights spent in the ICU a nurse came up to me and asked how my relationship was with all family members (as most nurses did). I responded with, "fine". It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was fine. She said, "situations like these either bring families closer than ever or drives them apart". At the time, I thought nothing of it. That was the last thing on my mind as my husband was lying there in a bed unconscious. It soon became very relevant that she was right and I didn't know how things got to be how they were.
As time went on everyone became confused on what their role in Troy's care was. Including me. I had obviously, never been through anything half this bad in my life, let alone legally been in charge of decisions that were quite literally life or death. I became so consumed with my priority, Troy, that I didn't really care about others. Going back, I wouldn't change that. If you were to put yourself in my position I would hope you would do the same. Issues that were not directly related to Troys care couldn't have been further down my list of cares. I took on the "think about it later" attitude and once Troy was out of those hospitals, it all came crashing down on me. All of the sudden all of those issues became an actual issue. With everything I went through I became one very unstable, emotional woman. Quite honestly, even now, four months after Troy's accident I'm a ticking time bomb. You mess with Troy, I become the definition of a mama bear. I've reached a whole new level of protective mode. My anxiety with everything is through the roof, I don't typically think logically and I am aware of that. The first meeting with my counselor, she said that the defensive move is the most common in situations like my own. I always have my hands up ready to fight because I want to protect Troy as best as I can. Might as well just get myself a pair of boxing gloves (joking!).
Each situation is not the same. Each person makes different decisions. I don't judge anyone for the choices they have made in life because it is not my life. I have always been a firm believer in that. I'm in charge of me. I am who I am; opinionated and all. I don't need to try and be someone I'm not because someone else feels I'm a bad person for my words or actions. No one is perfect. But what I do know is that I make decisions for myself; good and bad. I learn from both and pray each day to make me the person God intended me to be. There are always things I can work on.
Troy has become the most fragile, valuable thing to me. Something I have a really hard time letting go of. I'm no where near the point of letting him go. Just thinking about him going to work without me being around makes me want to throw up. I have a lot to work on when it comes to me. I have a really hard time trusting, I know I've said that before but I can not get over the fact that I know all to well how fast things happen now. Knowing I've nearly experienced Troy being gone forever is something I never want to experience again. I will continue to try and do everything I can to keep Troy safe while he is still in his recovery stage and probably even beyond that. I know that is really hard for people to understand because they haven't been in my shoes and trust me, I hope you never have a day of my constant feelings. Its miserable!
My personality is very open, honest, and opinionated. Trust me when I say, I'm well aware that those things can get me in trouble. At times, things I say can just as easily go unsaid. When Troy and I started dating I learned quickly that not all people are like me. Troy came into things with an attitude of, "get over it'. Oh my, I won't even begin to tell you the amount of tension that has brought to our relationship. I'm not the "get over it" type. I'm very much a sit down, talk things through and lets figure things out kind of person. After three years of marriage Troy and I have figured out how to deal with our differences in that aspect and honestly, I'm so very thankful for an understanding husband who will sit down and dish it out with me because he knows that is what I need. I have also come to the conclusion that there are things I don't need to dwell on, I can move on because it is not that big of a deal.
For me, the hardest part about our marriage was bringing together two families who, in our case, are polar opposites. Literally, I'm not sure you could get any different. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Every family has their own story who make them who they are. For me, it was so different I wasn't sure what was up and what was down. Things I could say in front of my parents were totally unacceptable for Troys family, and things Troys family did, I could never in a million years do at my own house. That's just how it was, and still is. I find it hard to be myself throughout all those situations. I feel awkward and insecure while I'm out of my comfort zone. I try my best to handle each situation right, but lets face it, you will not get it right every time.
Coming together in such a close-knit, intimate situation as we have with Troy's accident really threw us all for a loop with us all being so different. One of the first nights spent in the ICU a nurse came up to me and asked how my relationship was with all family members (as most nurses did). I responded with, "fine". It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was fine. She said, "situations like these either bring families closer than ever or drives them apart". At the time, I thought nothing of it. That was the last thing on my mind as my husband was lying there in a bed unconscious. It soon became very relevant that she was right and I didn't know how things got to be how they were.
As time went on everyone became confused on what their role in Troy's care was. Including me. I had obviously, never been through anything half this bad in my life, let alone legally been in charge of decisions that were quite literally life or death. I became so consumed with my priority, Troy, that I didn't really care about others. Going back, I wouldn't change that. If you were to put yourself in my position I would hope you would do the same. Issues that were not directly related to Troys care couldn't have been further down my list of cares. I took on the "think about it later" attitude and once Troy was out of those hospitals, it all came crashing down on me. All of the sudden all of those issues became an actual issue. With everything I went through I became one very unstable, emotional woman. Quite honestly, even now, four months after Troy's accident I'm a ticking time bomb. You mess with Troy, I become the definition of a mama bear. I've reached a whole new level of protective mode. My anxiety with everything is through the roof, I don't typically think logically and I am aware of that. The first meeting with my counselor, she said that the defensive move is the most common in situations like my own. I always have my hands up ready to fight because I want to protect Troy as best as I can. Might as well just get myself a pair of boxing gloves (joking!).
Each situation is not the same. Each person makes different decisions. I don't judge anyone for the choices they have made in life because it is not my life. I have always been a firm believer in that. I'm in charge of me. I am who I am; opinionated and all. I don't need to try and be someone I'm not because someone else feels I'm a bad person for my words or actions. No one is perfect. But what I do know is that I make decisions for myself; good and bad. I learn from both and pray each day to make me the person God intended me to be. There are always things I can work on.
Troy has become the most fragile, valuable thing to me. Something I have a really hard time letting go of. I'm no where near the point of letting him go. Just thinking about him going to work without me being around makes me want to throw up. I have a lot to work on when it comes to me. I have a really hard time trusting, I know I've said that before but I can not get over the fact that I know all to well how fast things happen now. Knowing I've nearly experienced Troy being gone forever is something I never want to experience again. I will continue to try and do everything I can to keep Troy safe while he is still in his recovery stage and probably even beyond that. I know that is really hard for people to understand because they haven't been in my shoes and trust me, I hope you never have a day of my constant feelings. Its miserable!
Comments
Post a Comment