Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

As I sit here and wait for the EEG to be done, I decided I might as well update, I'm not real great at posting daily. 

This week has been dragging so far. I can't say it's been anyone's fault but my own. Yes, it's only Tuesday. My good attitude has been lacking. Troy has been great since the last post. I'm trying to let go and let him be more independent but it's killing me. My anxiety is controlling my life right now. I can't trust anyone, I am constantly thinking that when he takes off somewhere with someone he will never come back. I find myself reliving the night of the accident more than ever. I thought that getting home would make me relax more but it's only made things worse. I'm driving myself crazy thinking of the most ridiculous things. Things that more than likely won't happen but could. I know my mom has always told me not to live life like that, heck, I've posted before that you can't live life that way and now look me. I am a freaking wrech. 

No one told me about what life after this kind of trauma looks like, it is miserable. I recently read a post of Facebook titled; 'Things you never knew about anxiety.' My curiosity kicked in and I clicked on it. Apart of me was thinking that the things I would find in the article wouldn't match up to what I was feeling and then I really wouldn't know what my problem was. Turns out, everything I read was exactly what I had been feeling. From having irrational fears to the way I think. One of the examples was based off losing your car keys. A person would anxiety would think, "oh no, I lost my car keys, now I have no way to go anywhere, what if someone needed to be driven somewhere, what if someone I loved needed something, what if they were dying and I had no way to get to them?" And all of the sudden you feel yourself overwhelmed with complete panic because losing your car keys has turned into a loved one dying. Welcome to my mind. Except this happens with EVERYTHING. It's miserable and completely terrifying. 

Unfortunately, Troy getting severely injured has been a huge fear of mine that ended up coming true. It's hard for me to stear my thoughts away from negativity when I have seen Troy unconcious, full of blood and as close to dead as you could get. I so easily forget how far he has come since that moment. I forget how easy it was for me to give it to God and let him have the control. Now, I feel the need to control every aspect of not only mine but Troys life too. I can't imagine something happening to him ever again. I've been there, done that and do NOT want to go back. Going back to work has been hard for both of us. I've said before, I thought it was harder on him but I think it's actually been harder for me. Every time that ambulance radio goes off at work my mind goes to; it's Troy and he is gone. Why? I have no idea, that's just anxiety works. I would do anything to turn it off. I just can't. Stupid anxiety is for the birds. 

On a different note; Troy is in for his EEG. He was up bright and early at 5 am this morning as was I. They wanted him to be tired so that he would twitch. That's the whole reason for the EEG. He was really hoping he could sleep through the EEG but that would kind of defeat the purpose. I'm sure he will be ready for a nap after this! We won't find out what his results are for a couple weeks. I have a feeling that his twitching is unrelated to seizures. I have seen seizures before and it just doesn't seem to have the same characteristics. My guess is that it has something to do with a bad connection in the brain. His brain is still working on a lot of new connections and there are bound to be some effects from that. I'm very excited to meet with Dr Vandenberg on Friday. I'm hoping to get some kind of idea for when and what our next steps are for Troy, for troys sake. He really wants to start driving which I'm pretty sure they will say he isn't ready for. At least, I'm secretly hoping for that because I'm literally going to have a stroke if they say he is ready. We will more than likely get the neuro pysch eval on the calendar. Which would be awesome. He isn't looking forward to that, he still has the mindset of "I  need and A". It's not a graded test. I've told him that a million times but that's just how Troy thinks. So, he will just have to figure that out himself. 

I'll keep you updated on test results and I probably won't post until after our morning appointment with Vandenberg. Maybe then, I'll have lots of news to share! 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me on paths of righteousness for his names sake. Even though in walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of The Lord forever.