Check Up

Our meeting with Dr Vandenberg went great. Troy never ceases to amaze him. He is so excited about Troys recovery and how well he is doing. We have our neuro pysch evaluation scheduled for Feburary nine. It will be a six hour (roughly) test. It's basically an IQ test, a very intense IQ test. They are looking to see what his strengths and struggles are so they can focus on those specific areas in therapy. Thankfully, for Troys sake, we don't have to wait for the pysch test to do the drivers rehab test through Mary Free Bed. (Insert that stroke I talked about previously here) The doctor even said he could practice in parking lots, he actually recommended cemeteries but, NO THANKS. He gave him the clear to work with power tools as long as Troy said he would use extra caution when doing so; knowing he is at a higher risk for injury. No saws though, even though Troy swears he said otherwise. 

After the pysch test we will have to wait until mid March to follow up with Vandenberg. Unfortunately that means that work definitely won't start before that. Troy is not thrilled about that, not at all. I can't even try and explain why he can't start work because he doesn't care, he says he is fine and seems upset people don't agree. And like Dr Vandenberg said, he is fine. He just is too young and has too much potential to throw him back into his normal life when he is still at such a high risk for making one simple mistake and never coming back from it. He has told us way to many horror stories of specifically, electricians, who go back to work to early after an injury and end up back with extensive nerve damage or other injuries because they were severely burned from making one bad call. I don't want that and I know he doesn't either. 

All of this is really feeling like it's too much for me. I'm scared that with his new found freedom he will push the limit. That's troys personality and it always has been. I made the mistake of telling him I didn't trust him today. I say things like that but it's more my anxiety talking. I don't actually mean that. I'm saying those things because I'm scared. I still wake up in the middle of the night and shake him awake to make sure he is still alive. It's like walking on egg shells cnstantly. I'm trying to create a path for him that won't give him any trouble which I know is impossible. I get physically sick the days and hours before I have to leave him to go to work. I finally called today and set up an appointment to talk with a counselor through winning at home. I don't want to live life like this. It's exhausting. Troy will eventually be on his own and I can't be curled up in a ball on the phone crying to him while he is trying to do his job. It's hard for me to express my feelings correctly. When your anxiety consumes your life there is literally nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. In fact it almost makes it worse when people say; your fine, stop worrying, change your way of thinking. I can not do it. 

A lot of people don't understand the feeling of nearly losing a husband. Spending days watching a lifeless body not knowing what the next day would bring. Yes, he is better and home and doing so well. But, it takes a lot to recover from something like that. I'm not over it. I think that I'm finally dealing with it. It feels like a have about 1000 pounds on each shoulder. I think about how hard this is for me now. To think about losing him completely. Sign me up for a pysch ward! The strength the few people I know who have lost a husband, incredible. Incredible people, incredible strength. The frustratons with every aspect of trauma like this are something that I so badly wish would just go away! I can't let go of him. Sending home off with people and not knowing what he is doing makes me want to throw up. What creates more of a terrible feeling is working in the Emergency room where I see nothing but terrible things. I love my job and I love helping people. But, going through what I have seen and done the last two years has aided to my anxiety. Seeing and touching a dead baby, hearing the sreams of family members when they get the new of a loss. Make it go away! If only I could organize my brain and rid all of the horrifying experiences from my memory. Now that, I would like.