as it is...

Life took a very dramatic turn for Troy and I on January 5, 2014 when we found out we were expecting our first child. It was a shock for both of us. We had just gotten home from vacation and I had been feeling a bit under the weather. Thinking that it was just from riding in a car for nearly 46 hours in a 2 week period, I brushed it off and tried to have fun. When we got home all I wanted to do was sleep, forever! I was so unbelievably tired. Troy looked at me and said "I think you should take a pregnancy test" I looked at him and said, "I'm not pregnant and I'll take a test just to show you I'm right." Three minutes later a big fat POSITIVE came up. I literally just buried my face in my hands and cried. It was the biggest rush of emotions I've ever experienced. I was so excited, scared, worried, happy, everything all at once. Troy hugged me and we cried together. I finally said "Now what?". I never thought of the first time finding out I'm pregnant and what I would need to do. Do I call the doctor? What am I allowed (or not allowed) to do? It was a Sunday so the offices weren't even open. So began the longest wait of our lives. Monday finally rolled around as did the biggest winter storm since the 70's. Every office was closed and there I sat, wondering what in the heck I was supposed to do. Tuesday came and just my luck, all the offices were closed, again. I was dying. I had so many questions; how far along was I? Could I get an ultrasound? I want to start buying baby things. At this point God really started testing my patience. I was finally able to talk with my doctor on Wednesday and he simply said "Congrats, lets get you started on prenatal vitamins and we will get you in the next couple weeks." Wait.. you have to be joking I have to wait a couple weeks!! Ugh! A week went by and I could barely contain my excitement, I wanted to tell everyone our news. 

Then came... blood.

The cramps were awful, to the point where I couldn't stand. Troy had just left to hang out with the guys but shortly after getting there he was on his way home to a hysterical wife who not only had no idea what was happening but wanted to be sedated because the pain was getting so unbearable. He just stood and hugged me as I cried and cried. We got a hold of my OB and he told me to go to the ER right away. Off we went to Zeeland Hospital. On our way I couldn't help but want my mom. At the time they had no idea we were expecting so I wasn't sure how to tell her, I'm in the ER and I want you here, but don't ask me why. I really didn't want to tell her over the phone. We sat and waited to be seen and the bleeding just got worse. Both my mom and dad finally showed up and as they were opening the door to the room I blurted, "Surprise, were pregnant." Through my tears and sobs my mom's face was priceless. I don't regret that moment at all. The look of joy, confusion, happiness just filled her face. She looked at me and said, "Whatever happens, just remember God is in control." Best advice I could have gotten at the time. I had an ultrasound done and blood tests, my HCG levels were at 1400 which were low. I left the hospital with no real answers. I knew deep down that it wasn't going to end well. A few more blood tests to check my HCG levels were done and they confirmed my worst fear, a miscarriage. I was devastated. I will never forget the phone call from my doctor. He told me how sorry he was and how we could try again in three months. The next week was hell. The pain was so unbearable. Every morning for that whole week I woke up at 5:00am with a sharp stabbing pain in my pelvis. It would last 15 minutes, like clock work. The next weeks went by and I was an emotional wreck. Working in an Emergency Room I dealt with a lot of patients dealing with miscarriages and for the first time I understood their pain. I felt so helpless, I wanted to help but there was nothing I could do. I found a lot of comfort in the next weeks in my devotions. I felt it spoke right to me and it gave me hope I thought I'd never have again.