our |perfect| storm

This week has been a very good week!  Troy's boss was able to talk with Dr Vandenberg which was very nice. For the doctor and for us. It's so much better getting updates right from the horses mouth rather than through the chain.  Anyways... A few things were cleared up and we got what Troy has been long awaiting, answers!! Praise Jesus!  He is now cleared to work (up to) 10 hours a day. Before the accident that was about normal, if not more. He loves his job and soaks in as much time as he can, working. He also does NOT need to take his Journeymans test over again! I'm telling you, this was the best news I've heard in a very long time. I had been pretty worked up about the possibility of Troy having to do that again.  I considered learning electrical code so that I could be somewhat of a help for him while studying. Whew, got out of that one! Not my forte!  We still wait until November for our next appointment which always seems like forever and eternity away bu...

Since the last post we got a few things figured out. Thank the Lord! My heart hurt so bad for him after the last appointment. I just want everything and more for him and I know thats totally out of my control.  He has switched to a job where he is working with things that are over learned before the accident. I want him to be comfortable at work and feel like he CAN do it because I know as well as many others know, he can. He is so hard on himself and that's hard to see. He has been on that new job since Monday and it has been going great! I love having him coming home whistling and smiling. The whistling is still few and far between. When he was in his accident he did a number to his bottom lip and there is still a huge scar that makes it hard for him to whistle. I remember sitting next to his bed in ICU just praying that someday I would hear him whistle again. It's the little things before that are huge things now.  I was told early on that one of the first things you forget...

Today marks three crazy, intense years for Troy and I. I'd like to say they have been enjoyable and at times they have been but we have been through a lifetime worth of crap. In some odd way, I wouldn't change it because I wouldn't want to spend this life with anyone but him. I am so proud to be his wife and so happy he choose me to spend life with and build a family with.  Troy has been talking about this day for forever; mostly because we both had appointments and he had the day off of work to hang out. Unfortunately, it didn't go quite as he had planned. Our first appointment was at Mary Free Bed with a check up from Dr Vandenberg. We came with our usual list of questions and updates from work. Troys expectations going in were that he would get cleared to do more and up his hours. All he wants is to be a little more independent. Well, to make a long story short; none of that happened. We're at a stand still. The notes from work aren't giving Dr Vandenebeg the...

There are many days I find myself reminiscing about how things used to be. Usually it's about my state of mind. I've always been a bit paranoid but now a days it's completely consuming my every thought. I can take any situation and make it into the worst possible scenario possible. It's exhausting, it's annoying and honestly it's quite stupid. I want so badly to make all that cloudy thinking go away so I can enjoy life and whatever time we have left. Instead I feel myself guilted into things because something terrible might happen tomorrow and I'll regret if I didn't do this or that. It's true, trauma changes you. Sometimes for the better, other times it can make life a little more complicated.  I'm slowly learning this new normal and at times I want to pull my hair out. It's so unbelievably frustrating when Troy lies, gets upset over the littlest things or makes me feel worse than dirt. But that's life now. A brain injury isn't like ...

Sorry for the lack of updating recently!  Troy has been working eight hours a day the last couple weeks. Dr Vandenberg had put Troy on a low does of Ritalin; 10 mg twice a day. After a few weeks we didn't notice a huge difference. Troy had some pretty unrealistic goals going into it but with being an onlooker, it didn't seem to be doing a whole lot for him. It seemed to make his twitching flare up again. At times he was unable to hardly stand up because everything was twitching so bad. He has been pushing his limits (shocking right?!) so I often corresponded the twitching with too much activity for a day. When I called for his refill I threw out the idea of maybe bumping up his Ritalin to 20 mg in the morning. With our luck and MFB I thought there was no way we would get an answer so quickly. They called back an hour later and said; "we're going to try 20 mg twice a day". This is his third day with it and the twitching seems better already. He made it a whole day ...

The day finally came that we got to meet with Dr Vandenberg again. I was a good mix of excited and totally annoyed. Troy has this thing where he thinks I'm out to ruin his life because I tell the doctors the truth... Yeah, its been a lot of fun dealing with him the last couple weeks. In fact, on our ride to the appointment he told me he didn't want me there. That made me feel just dandy. I had asked him to collect some papers from work that had weekly updates from the people he has been working with. When he got home he said, "I read them and I'm not taking them in." I asked if he thought that was being honest and he just stared at me. Obviously he knows better but he doesn't want anything in his way no matter what that means for his healing. That is by far the most frustrating part of all of this for me. I don't feel like he cares; I get he just wants to be normal but at some point he has to figure it out and get used to it because there is literally ...

For the past few weeks my anxiety has gone through the roof. Flash backs that are so vivid it's like I'm reliving the whole thing again. Honestly, I'm a little ashamed that I'm still dealing with this. It's been since October, I should be getting better.  I don't like talking about it. I feel like a ticking time bomb when discussing it. I lose all sense of reality. I hate not being able to control my emotions. Every morning the last few weeks when Troy gets up for work I lay in bed and just replay the whole night in my head. I get myself so worked up that I fully convince myself Troy is going to be dead by the end of the day. I have to do everything in my power to not tell Troy he can't go to work. I hear the door shut and all I want to do is run after him and tell him not to leave.  These stupid flash backs occur at almost anytime of the day. Morning, afternoon or nighttime. I will have nightmares of other family members dying. I wake up and feel like my he...